You did this to me
by BrittLovesSan
Summary: Santana and Brittany are going through some marital problems. Santana is hiding heartache and the truth is that she blames Brittany for it, essentially telling her 'You did this to me'. How will the marriage fare when the truth behind Santana's heartache is revealed to everyone? Warning: implied G!P Brittany.
1. Issues

Implied G!P Brittany so if this is not your thing then I suggest you don't read it.

You did this to me

Chapter 1: Issues

"Hey I'm thinking of making your favourite dinner tonight, what do you say?" I ask my wife.

"Whatever" she replies, brushing it off.

"Come on, you love the sweet and sour chicken I make" I say while smiling at her.

"That's not my favourite, it's only chicken" she says. "Plus you know I don't have favourites for anything."

"Well you told me previously, that it was your favourite meal" I say.

"Well it's not anymore" she tells me. "In fact, I probably only said that to get on your good side because I wanted something."

"Oh" I say feeling a bit sad. I actually thought she liked it when I cooked for her.

"I'll just pick up my own dinner on my way home from work" Santana tells me while she puts her lunch into her work bag. That was another thing I offered to do but she refused, I wanted to make her a nice sandwich to take to work but she refused. "It's probably easier if I just sort my own dinner."

"You're not having take out again surely?" I say.

"So what if I am" she snaps at me. "Do you have a problem with that?"

"No it's just…..I…never mind" I decide to just give up rather than state my opinion. I doubt Santana would be too happy if I said what I thought judging by the glare taking over her face right now.

"Yeah so you sort yourself and I'll sort myself" she says while zipping up her coat.

"Fine" I say with a sigh.

"So anyway I'm going to work soon" she states.

"Can I ask why?" I say.

"What do you mean why?" she says glaring. "Why do you think people go to work?"

"I meant why are you going to work on a Saturday?" I ask. I'm really confused why she keeps going into work at the weekends when she usually works Monday to Friday. She never used to be this dedicated to her work, I mean sure she's passionate about what she does but deliberately going to work when she doesn't have to, what's that about?

"Because some of us don't get weekends off all the time" she says. "I bet you've never worked a weekend in your life before."

"I have" I say defensively. "I did it all the time at university."

"Well you certainly don't work weekends now" she says.

"I'm a teacher so it's obvious I don't work weekends" I say.

"You're bloody lucky that's what I say" she says cheekily.

"Santana you don't need to work weekends either" I tell her. "You usually just work the five days but for some reason you keep working seven days a week."

"That's because I need the money" she states and I frown because what does she suddenly need money for.

"I didn't think we were having any money troubles" I say. "We managed perfectly well before so what's changed now?"

"Maybe you're not having money troubles but I am" she says ignoring the part about what's changed.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Just never mind" she says. "I've got to get ready" she sighs.

"Are you sure you don't want to take today off and spend it with me?" I ask smiling.

"That's the last thing I want Brittany" she tells me and my smile immediately vanishes.

"Fine, I'm going back to bed" I say sadly.

"Fine" she says back.

"Can you let me know when you are leaving?" I ask. "I'm going to go back upstairs now."

"I'll try if I remember" she replies.

"Ok" I say before heading back upstairs.

* * *

><p>It's eight thirty when I hear Santana calling upstairs to me. "I'm leaving now ok" she shouts.<p>

"Ok, cool" I shout back.

"I don't know when I'll be back though" she calls up to me from downstairs.

"Ok, well I'll see you when I see you. Bye" I reply. I hear her mumble a goodbye back to me before she leaves to go to work.

I only lie in bed for about ten minutes before I decide it's not worth going back to sleep so I get out of bed and take a shower. All I can think about in the shower is what is happening between Santana and I. Something has really changed between us and I don't like it. As soon as I was finished in the shower, I quickly dried my hair and put it up in a messy bun and got dressed.

I decide to call my friend Tina to see if she wants to go out for some lunch or something. I would have asked our other friends but no one is free today, everyone is at work. We talk on the phone for a few minutes and decide to meet at noon at my favourite restaurant so I'm going to just lounge around the house until then. Actually I might also text Santana to let her know what my plans are today.

To Santana: hey, I'm going out today so if you want me to pick anything up for you to cook for dinner later let me know. X

From Santana: I told you I will sort myself, were you not listening?

To Santana: excuse me for caring, I'll see you later.

Ok now I'm really pissed off. How dare she speak to me like that, I was just trying to be nice and do the right thing? I thought she would have enough going on at work that it might have helped if she didn't need to go to pick dinner up too, she could just come straight home. I swear I'm going to fly off the handle one of these times if she continues to treat me like dirt.

After a couple of hours lounging at home, I get myself organised and head to the restaurant. Tina is first there so as soon as I arrive I make my way over to the table. "Hey Britt, how are you?" Tina asks me.

"Yeah I'm not bad" I reply, it's a slight lie but I can't exactly pour my heart out in the middle of the restaurant and tell her how I really feel. "Anyway how are you?" I ask.

"I'm good, that vacation Mike and I had really relaxed us" she replies and I've got to say I'm a little jealous. I'd love to go away somewhere for a little while, get some peace and quiet but obviously my vacations can't be during term time.

"I'm glad, I don't think you and Mike have been away on vacation in a while" I say.

"We haven't, we saved up last year's vacation money for the wedding earlier this year so it's been two years since we had a holiday together" she tells me.

"I remember before Santana and I got married, I ended up taking her away for the weekend to my Aunt's cabin instead of us going somewhere for a week" I tell her. "We wanted to save as much money as we could so instead of paying for a week's long vacation, I got the cabin free for the weekend" I say. "I mean we wanted the wedding to be really special plus with Santana's expensive taste, we really didn't have a lot of money to spare."

"Yeah Santana really does have expensive taste" Tina says laughing.

"Yeah" I agree sadly.

"Ok what's wrong? You're not acting your usual happy self" Tina states.

"I'm fine" I say with a fake smile. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I'm not stupid Brittany, tell me what's wrong?" she says.

"Look it's nothing, don't worry about it" I say.

After a few back and forths with me saying everything is fine and Tina not believing me, I eventually told her about some of the issues Santana and I are going through. The thing is though, I'm not sure what these issues are, I just know something is going on between us and I don't like it. Santana is just acting really weird with me but she just won't let me in and talk to me. There's definitely something she's keeping bottled up and it's frustrating me.

"Hey why don't you plan a nice romantic night just for the two of you and make sure everything is relaxing and peaceful and you might be able to at least connect a bit again" Tina suggests. "I'm not saying she'll pour her heart out to you but she might feel more relaxed to open up a bit" she says with a hopeful smile.

"Yeah you might be right" I say. "If I can create a peaceful atmosphere and just let her know how much I love her then she might feel she can talk to me" yeah I think that's a good idea, I mean it won't hurt to try.

* * *

><p>I have taken on Tina's suggestion from last Saturday and here we are on Friday night at home. I've got a few things planned for Santana and I's romantic night so let's hope she likes it. Things have still been tense throughout the last five or six days but I have persuaded her to clear her schedule tonight and not go into work tomorrow just in the off chance that our romantic night leads to some serious all night making up shall we say.<p>

"My mom called and said she needs me to look after the dog tonight since her and my dad will be away on an overnight" Santana tells me as she walks into the room. "Olivia has had to work tonight" she says. Olivia is her older sister and initially it was planned she'd keep an eye on the dog tonight until my mother and father in law got home tomorrow afternoon but I guess she's otherwise engaged now.

"Oh right, bummer" I say.

"Yeah so rain check on the romantic night, I mean it'd be easier if I just stay at my parents instead of looking after the dog here and having to bring the dog bed and everything here" she tells me and I nod. It does make sense.

"Wait" I say while getting an idea. "I'll just come too and we can have the romantic night there, I'm sure the dog won't be in the way really. It's not allowed in the bedrooms anyway so once we go to bed we can be alone properly" I tell her.

"That's not fair of me making you come, just stay here Britt" she tells me. Now why do I get the feeling she doesn't want me to come.

"No I want to be with you tonight" I smile.

"Ok well um…let me just make sure Olivia really has to go to work and no one can work instead" she tells me with a sigh while grabbing her phone.

"Ok" I say. Santana then suddenly leaves the room to take the call which is weird because we don't usually bother about hearing one another talk on the phone. I talk on the phone all the time when Santana is sitting next to me. A second or two later she walks back in the room still holding her phone.

"It's ok panic over, Olivia doesn't need to work anymore" she tells me. "I guess we will still have our romantic night then" she sighs.

"Look if you don't want to, I really don't mind" I say.

"No it's fine, we can still have it" she tells me and I smile but she doesn't really smile back.

"Ok well I'm just running to the bathroom real quick, I'll be back in a second" I say before exiting the room. There's nothing worse than planning a nice night and then you need the bathroom in the middle of a movie or something so I like to go before I can get comfortable.

* * *

><p>Santana's POV<p>

I'm really not in the mood tonight to do anything. I'd rather just go to bed or go upstairs and read a book. Brittany seems set on us doing something together so I don't really have much choice. I'm not allowed in the living room right now according to Brittany so I just take a seat at the kitchen table while I wait on Brittany coming back. As soon as I take a seat the house phone rings so I quickly answer it.

_"__Hello" I say._

_"__Hey it's me" Mercedes says. "We're going out for a walk soon so we thought we might pop in and visit you and Brittany, are you both free?" she asks. _

_"__Yeah we're free, you should come and visit" I reply happily. _

_"__You've not made plans or anything have you?" she asks. _

_"__No, not at all. Just come over" I say._

_"__Ok cool, I'll see you in a bit then" she says before hanging up._

Just as I hang up the phone, Brittany comes back into the room.

"Hey who was on the phone?" she asks.

"Um…wrong number" I say.

"Oh right" she replies. "It just sounded like you said 'bye' to them."

"Well I did" I say. "I wasn't going to be rude and just hang up, they apologised for calling so I just politely said goodbye before hanging up" I say and she nods.

"Ok cool" she says before preheating the oven.

"Wait, what are you doing? We've already eaten dinner" I say.

"I know but this is for the dessert I made" she replies. "I'm going to pop it in the oven for 20 minutes and then we can eat it later."

"Oh" I say while nodding.

* * *

><p>Brittany's POV<p>

"I've got a bottle of wine in the fridge to chill, there's lots of romantic comedies waiting in the living room not to mention candles lit around the room and a lovely big couch waiting for us to lounge on" I tell her happily but all she does is nod. "Let's go then, let's have an amazing night just the two of us" I say before heading to the living room. Santana follows closely behind and sits next to me when I pull the blanket up for her.

"So why are we doing this tonight?" she asks.

"Because it's been too long since we had a romantic evening in together" I say smiling.

"I wouldn't exactly call it romantic" she states. "I mean where is the romance?" she asks.

"What do you mean? Isn't this romantic?" I ask.

"Sitting in front of the TV, hmm not really" she states. "I do this all the time when I don't have any work to do at home" she replies.

"Yeah but you don't usually sit under a blanket with me and share a bottle of red wine as we cuddle on the sofa" I say.

"Well whatever" she says.

"Plus I've lit candles around the room" I say. "Isn't that romantic?"

"Not really, it just makes it look like we can't afford electricity" she says. "Our neighbours will think we haven't paid our electricity bill or something."

"Ok babe, way to ruin the whole romantic vibe" I say.

"I'm just saying and less of the 'babe' tonight, I'm not in the mood" she tells me.

"Not in the mood for what?" I ask. "Why would you need to be in the mood for someone to call you babe?"

"Just don't ok" she replies.

"Ok whatever you want" I say while playing the movie.

"Oh and don't say that either, you make it sound like I'm some spoiled child that always gets what they want" she tells me.

"I really can't win with you can I?" I ask.

"Can we just watch this please, I'm too tired to talk right now" she tells me and I give up. I just settle to watch the movie.

* * *

><p>We're half way through the movie and I can tell Santana keeps inching away from me. She thinks I don't notice but I do and every time she does it I can feel a pinch in my heart. I know she is really struggling with something lately because this isn't my wife but I just wish she would talk to me and I could understand. She is physically and emotionally distancing herself from me every second.<p>

"I'm going for a drink, I'll be back in a minute" she says before abruptly standing up and heading to the kitchen. It must have been one hell of a drink she was making because 1) we have red wine here and I know she loves a glass of red every now and again, and 2) she was gone for almost fifteen minutes.

"You ok?" I ask with a smile as she sits next to me.

"Fine, why wouldn't I be?" she snaps and I don't know why but it shocked me a bit. You'd think I'd be used to it by now but apparently I'm not.

"Santana I was just generally asking, I didn't mean there would be something wrong. It's just a general question people ask" I reply.

"Look you wanted to watch a movie so let's do just that instead of talking, ok" she says.

"Yeah, sorry" I say before playing the movie again. I had paused it when Santana left so she didn't miss anything but I'm guessing she wouldn't be bothered either way.

We sit and watch the movie for another ten minutes before we hear the front door open and voices call through.

"Hey, it's us" I hear Mercedes say before she, puck and their son come into the room.

"Hey guys, I didn't realise you were visiting tonight" I say while greeting them.

"Oh did Santana not say, we called earlier to see if you would be up for some visitors tonight" Puck replies.

"No she didn't" I say.

"I must have forgot" Santana says while smiling but I know she's only smiling at our friends, not me.

"You must have also forgot we had a romantic night planned tonight huh" I say and she shrugs. "Not that I had it planned for a while now or anything" I say while glaring at her but she doesn't really do anything to respond, her face is just expressionless.

"Oh you've got a romantic night planned, look we'll go and leave you two to have a nice night" Mercedes says before putting her year old son's jacket back on.

"No, don't" Santana says quickly and we all look at her. "I mean you're here now so why not stay for a bit."

"Are you sure?" Mercedes asks and Santana couldn't answer any faster.

"Of course we're sure, now sit down and let me get you guys some drinks" she replies while motioning towards the other sofa. "Hey Jakey boy do you want to help Auntie Santana to get some drinks for everyone?" she asks and he excitedly nods his head. "Come on then handsome" she says while carrying him through to the kitchen.

"Sorry if we ruined your night Britt, we didn't realise" Puck says apologetically.

"That's ok, I've got a feeling Santana did it deliberately" I say.

"What do you mean?" Puck asks.

"She remembered just fine that I had a romantic night planned. She never said anything to you because she'd rather you did visit than be alone with me" I say sadly.

"Don't be silly, I'm sure that's not true" Mercedes says.

"It is" I say. "After everything I've told you about us recently, doesn't it seem like something she'd do?"

"Now you mention it" Mercedes says sadly.

The only people that know about my relationship troubles are Mercedes, Puck, now Tina after last week and I'm guessing Mike since Tina is his wife and she would tell him everything, not that I mind. It's not that I'm hiding it from our other friends, it's just Tina, Mercedes, Puck and I all went to the same high school so they're my best friends so I tell them everything. Quinn, Artie, Rachel, Santana and Sam all went to the same school so as much as they are my good friends, they're really more my wife's friends than mine. Santana and I used to live next door to one another but went to different schools because Santana already attended a different school when her parent's moved in next to mine so it was easier than transferring. We've always been best friends though and then began dating then moved in together then got married and now here we are.

"I just wish she would tell me what's wrong you know" I say.

"I know honey" she says understandingly.

"It's killing me not knowing" I say. "I think she even pretended she had to dog-sit tonight to get away from me but then when I tried to go with her, suddenly Olivia seemed free again to do it instead."

"Oh honey" Mercedes says while hugging me.

Santana walks into the room, carrying Jake on one hip and balancing a tray of drinks in her free hand, before I can say anything else.

"Come on son, come to dad just now until Auntie Santana sits the drinks down" Puck says to Jake while taking him out of Santana's arms.

"You were a good boy weren't you, you helped me make your mommy and daddy a drink" Santana says smiling. Jake looks delighted with the compliment and smiles brightly back at Santana.

We chat and catch up for ages before Mercedes and Puck need to get Jake home to put him to bed. I've got to say Santana looked disappointed when they all left but I guess that's down to her not wanting to spend time with me alone anymore. The romantic night I had planned was well and truly over now because as soon as our friends left Santana claimed she wasn't in the mood anymore and went to bed. I could tell her answer would be no if I suggested we both went to bed so I left her to go upstairs alone while I finished our movie from earlier.


	2. the drama continues

**Thanks for all the reviews, follows and favs. I didn't think anyone would like this story so it's nice to know people are interested in it. **

* * *

><p>Chapter 2: the drama continues<p>

I wake up at 7am and notice Santana still sound asleep so I lie in bed quietly for a little while so I don't disturb her. I know things are weird between us lately but I can't help but smile at my beautiful wife in front of me. Even though we are having problems right now, there's not a day goes by that I don't think about how lucky I am to be married to Santana. From the moment I saw her, I knew we had something special. Granted we didn't know what that meant at the time but as our lives progressed we knew we were meant to be together as a couple and not just friends. I can still vividly remember the day we met, I was in my bedroom practicing dance moves when I heard people talking outside so I looked out of my window and saw Santana helping her parents lift boxes into the house next door to mine. There was no chance I was going to ignore her, I just had to go outside and talk to her.

_Flashback - July 1995_

_I am a little out of breath due to how fast I ran down the stairs but I don't care, I just need to talk to this girl. _

_"__Hi" I say when I approach the girl, a smile beaming on my face. _

_"__Um…hey" she says shyly. "Do I know you?" she asks. _

_"__No but I live in there, is that your house" I ask while pointing to the house next to mine. _

_She shakes her head, "No it's my parent's house." I frown at her response. _

_"__Don't you live with your parents?" I ask. _

_"__Yeah" she nods. _

_"__But you said that's not your house" I state. _

_"__It's not, it's my parent's house because they paid for it" she replies with a smile. _

_"__Well that's what I meant" I say, feeling a bit stupid. _

_"__I like your hair, my mommy said I'm not allowed yellow hair" she tells me. _

_"__My hair is not yellow" I say a little too seriously and she frowns. "Sorry I have a thing about people saying I have yellow hair, its blonde and my mommy said it will darken as I get older" I say. _

_"__Cool, my mommy didn't say anything like that about my hair. Maybe yours is magic so can turn different colours" she says giggling. _

_"__My hair is not magic" I say giggling too. "You have dark hair" I point out. _

_"__Yeah and it's a lot longer than yours" she says and I nod. "What's your name?" she asks. _

_"__Brittany, what's yours?" I ask. _

_"__Santana" she replies. _

_"__That almost sounds like Santa" I giggle. "How old are you?"_

_"__Six and a half, I was born in January" she tells me. _

_"__Cool, I'm almost 6 and a half because I was born in February" I say. "Do you want to be my best friend, I have lots of friends but I don't have a best friend yet and I think you're really cool?"_

_"__Ok" she answers excitedly. "I don't have a best friend yet either."_

_End of flashback _

Wow I cannot believe that was just under nineteen years ago that I met Santana, time really does pass by quickly. We had such a cute friendship back in the day and I just love reminding Santana of it. She pretends she doesn't remember half the stuff we did because it embarrasses her but I know she finds it cute too. We spent just about every day together when we were younger so it's no surprise we fell in love so young. We officially became girlfriends at fifteen and some may think it was young but we just knew we weren't interested in the normal high school dating scene, we just wanted to be together.

"What are you doing?" I hear Santana ask, bringing me out of my nostalgic state.

"Um…nothing, just thinking" I reply.

"Ok but why are you staring at me?" she asks.

"Sorry I didn't even realise I was staring again" I say turning my head. "I was just thinking about us as kids, remember those cute little curls you used to have" I say smiling.

"Oh don't remind me" she says covering her face with a pillow. "Thank goodness we have straighteners now" she says laughing.

"I miss your laugh" I say and then there is an awkward silence as Santana stops laughing. Well done Brittany, you could choke yourself with how far your foot is in your mouth.

"What time is it?" Santana asks, finally breaking the silence.

"Just before eight o'clock" I reply yawning.

"Are you tired?" she asks.

"Yeah, I stayed up finishing the movies we were supposed to watch last night" I say. Santana nods but doesn't say anything causing us to slip into another slightly awkward silence.

"I realise I might have been a little too mean to you last night" Santana says and I'm pretty sure she's genuine.

"A little mean, I felt like shit Santana" I tell her.

"I don't intentionally want to hurt you, it just happens" she says.

"What is it that's wrong? I don't understand why you're like this with me and no one else" I say.

"Brittany I don't want to talk about it" she snaps and I just stare at her. "Shit, I didn't mean to snap. I'm sorry" she says. "Maybe I could make you breakfast in bed to apologise" she suggests.

"That depends, what are you apologising for?" I ask.

"Well for ruining the night you had planned for us and going to bed early" she answers.

"Is that it?" I ask and she nods. "So you're not apologising for inviting friends over when you knew I planned a night for just us, for lying about who was on the phone, for lying about the whole dog-sitting thing when Olivia was never asked to work at all or for making me feel so small all the time" I say.

"Is that a yes or no to breakfast?" she asks, clearly ignoring my last question.

"It's a yes, at least you're apologising for something. It doesn't happen often so when it does I need to grab it while I can" I say.

"Do you want to make your own breakfast?" she says sternly and I shake my head.

"Good, so you stay in bed and I'll make a start" Santana says while getting out of bed and slipping her robe on over her pyjamas.

"Um…ok cool" I say happily while lying back in bed. I'm not sure why Santana has suddenly softened a little in the space of a night but I like it.

* * *

><p>"Do you remember you used to always make me this on Sunday mornings?" I say, nodding to the plate in front of me.<p>

"Yeah" she smiles. "You loved when I cooked breakfast in bed for you. It was the highlight of your Sunday apparently."

"It was" I smile back. "The food is really good by the way" I say.

"Thanks, I'm glad you like it" she says. "Although I'm not glad your shirt is eating more than you" she says smiling.

"Huh?" I say looking down and notice I have maple syrup and pancake crumbs all over my top. "Oh right, yeah" I say brushing the crumbs away.

"We're going to need to change the bedding at this rate" she says jokingly.

We finish our breakfast in a peaceful silence which is nice for a change. I know things still aren't right but for today I can at least breathe a sigh of relief I think.

"Hey you have syrup on your chin" I say.

"Crap I thought I got it all" she says while trying to wipe her face with a napkin.

"Hey use a wet wipe babe" I say handing one to her. "It won't come off with just a dry wipe because it's sticky."

"Ok, thanks" she says while wiping her face. "Is that it?" she asks.

"Not quite" I reply.

"Can you get it for me then?" she asks while holding the wet wipe to me. I take it and remove the tiny bit of syrup. "There you go."

"Thanks" she says while looking into my eyes. Our faces are still very close to one another. We can't help but to just lean in and kiss one another lightly on the lips. Just as I pull away I feel Santana attach her lips to mine again and kiss me so I kiss her back. We gently just kiss each other's lips for a few seconds.

"I love your lips, they're so kissable" I muffle out as we kiss.

"Shush, don't talk" Santana says while starting to kiss deeper. "Let's just kiss." I do as I'm told because I mean who wouldn't when they're kissing Santana. We continue kissing for a little while before it suddenly surprises me when Santana straddles my hips and starts to kiss me even more passionately. It's been way too long since we have been this close and I miss it so much. I'm starting to get hard already and I think Santana can feel I am too as a smirk graces her lips. There's another few seconds of kissing before I place my hands on the bottom of her pyjama shirt and go to slide it up her body when Santana interrupts.

"Wait, we shouldn't" Santana says pulling away quickly.

"We shouldn't have sex?" I ask.

"Yes, exactly" she replies.

"Santana we are married so why shouldn't we?" I ask.

"Because I don't want to so you're not going to pressure me" she states.

"Babe that is the last thing I ever want to do, you should know that" I say.

"There are a lot of things you do that I don't want you to do" she says and I frown because I don't know what she's talking about. "There are a lot of things I thought I knew about you that I clearly didn't."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask.

"Nothing" she replies. "Forget I said anything. I'm just not ready for sex yet ok" she says.

"That's completely understandable babe considering everything that went on in the last few months, I get it" I say.

"No not because of that" she states.

"Then what?" I ask confused.

"I just said can we forget it so let's do that" she says and I nod.

* * *

><p>Things are back to being awkward and tense again. It's been a few weeks since Santana made me breakfast in bed and we have barely kissed since. There are a few times when I think we're ok again but then I just have to put my foot in it and it gets awkward. I'm still no clearer on what is making Santana so cold and distant towards me but I plan on finding out one way or another.<p>

Tonight we have arranged for our friends to come over for a barbeque since we haven't seen them recently. It was Santana's idea and I'm actually glad she has planned this because I know Santana is happier around them and as much as it frustrates me not knowing what's wrong these days, I hate the thought of Santana hurting and keeping it bottled up.

"Everyone should be here soon for the barbeque" I tell Santana once I hear from our friends about what time they are coming over.

"Cool" she replies. "If you're not busy you can help me if you want" she smiles slightly at me.

"Ok" I smile back. "What do you need me to do?" I ask.

"I need the kebabs prepared because I haven't did that yet, all the ingredients are there" she tells me. "I need a bit of pepper followed by a piece of onion then another bit of pepper, then another bit of onion and finally a bit of chicken."

"That's a bit miserable, only one piece of chicken per kebab?" I say, kidding her on. "You know I like chicken babe" I say and she smiles again at me.

"No I meant do that and then repeat a few times until there is four or five cubes of chicken in total on the one kebab" she tells me. "I do love our friends but meat is expensive so they'll be getting more peppers and onions than chicken hence the reason I wanted two bits of onion and two bits of pepper before a bit of chicken is even on the stick."

"Ok cool and should I finish the kebab with another two bits of onion and pepper?" I ask.

"Yeah" she replies.

"Ok cool, I'll do this" I say while making a start. "What are you going to do?" I ask.

"I'm going to slice up the cucumber and tomatoes and other stuff for the salad" she replies while sitting down next to me.

Once all the food preparation was done, we went upstairs to change before going outside to make sure everything was set up.

"You always look so beautiful in a dress" I say and Santana almost blushes.

"Thanks" she gives me a small smile before there is a long silence between us as we get the table organised. "Is that top you've got on new?" she asks.

"Yeah, I got it the other day. Do you like it?" I ask.

"Yeah it suits you" she says and I can't help smiling at the compliment. There is something different going on between us this afternoon and I like it. Santana seems a lot more relaxed around me plus we've never argued once.

The first person Santana greets is Jake when everyone arrives.

"Hey Jakey boy, how are you?" She asks while picking him up and spinning him around in her arms causing him to giggle.

"Are you going to tell auntie Santana what you've been up to?" Puck says trying to encourage his son to tell us what he has been doing.

"Park" Jake replies smiling.

"You went to the park?" Santana asks in an excited tone to which Jake nods. "Did you go with mommy and daddy?" he smiles and nods again. "So was it fun or was daddy being annoying again?" she asks while pretending to frown at Puck.

"Hey I'm not annoying" Puck says.

"Well we all beg to differ, don't we Jake" he nods in agreement.

Dinner began really well but now I've realised everyone has been here for ages and Santana has not said one word to me since everyone arrived. In fact she has barely even looked in my direction. I'm currently sitting on one of our benches talking to Tina.

"She can have conversations with a one year old but not a 26 year old who happens to be her wife, hmm I wonder why that is" I say to Tina.

"Santana doesn't hate you" Tina replies.

"Well she certainly doesn't love me" I state.

"She does Brittany, deep down" Tina replies.

"She's got a funny way of showing it" I say.

"Just you two have your own conversation over there, its cool" Sam shouts over to Tina and me.

"Sorry" Tina says laughing.

"I didn't know we were so boring that you had to strike up your own conversation instead of including yourselves in our conversation" Sam says.

"Yeah rude or what" Artie chips in

"We are sorry ok" Tina says still laughing.

"We'll join in now" I tell everyone. "It's my fault anyway not Tina's."

"I'd say that was probably accurate" I hear Santana mumble.

"Excuse me!" I say loudly.

"Oh are you talking to me?" she asks while widening her eyes in anger.

"Obviously" I state.

"It doesn't seem that obvious Brittany since there's you and I and about 9 other people, it could have been any of the others you were talking to" she replies.

"So eh what are you guys chatting about?" Tina asks trying to change the subject.

"Well…"Mercedes starts but gets cut off.

"Quinn was making rude jokes" Artie says trying to mess with Quinn.

"No I wasn't, we were talking about Jake" Quinn states.

"Yeah I was saying Puck and I were thinking of putting Jake into a playgroup a few days a week now that I am going back to work full time" Mercedes tells us.

"That might be an idea" I say.

"Yeah I mean my parents and Mercedes's parents both work so it wouldn't be fair to ask them to have him any more than they already look after him" Puck says.

"Yeah I suppose you're right" I say.

* * *

><p>"So how is everything with Jake, is his walking getting better?" Santana asks.<p>

"He is doing better although he has a tendency to run a lot right now but struggles when going round corners" Puck replies. "He's good at walking straight over to you but if he's running he doesn't know how to slow down so sometimes misjudges the corners."

"Yeah, I mean a vase nearly came off of the table and smashed the other day because a certain someone collided with the table at quite a speed" Mercedes says.

"Was he ok?" I ask while letting out a small gasp.

"Totally, he's a Puckerman and nothing gets us down" Puck replies.

"That doesn't make me worry less" I say.

"No he was fine, he wasn't hurt" Mercedes reassures us.

"Ok good" Tina says.

"Tina is right though, I am worried about Jake being a Puckerman. I mean to think of him turning into puck scares the living daylights out of me" Santana says and I think we're all in an agreement there. Puck was always a wild one even when he was younger, he was always climbing trees or getting into some sort of bother.

After finishing dinner and continuing our conversation which I noticed always ended back to Jake (I'm guessing because he's the only child in our circle of friends so we all love him so much and want to spoil him) everyone went home.

"The barbeque went well huh" I say.

"Yeah, it's a shame everyone had to leave so early" Santana says disappointedly.

"I know, I had fun hanging out with all our friends" I say and she nods. "The night is still early, do you want to do something?" I ask.

"Like what?" she asks.

"I don't know, we could hang out or watch a movie or we could plan the vacation we talked about" I suggest.

"What vacation?" she asks.

"We were talking a few weeks ago with our friends and we said why don't we all go on a vacation together in the summer?" I answer.

"Oh right, that vacation" she replies. "We could look up some places I suppose" she doesn't sound too enthusiastic but at least we're going to do something together. "I want to go somewhere with a beach" she tells me and I smile. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?" she asks as I continue to grin.

"No reason really, I was just thinking the same" I tell her.

"Ok cool so it's a beach holiday then" she states.

"Yeah so anywhere in particular you want to go, I mean the others didn't seem to mind where we go" I ask.

"I don't know, if we look and get some ideas first then we can home in so to speak on an area and look at hotels or villas" she tells me.

"Ok cool" I nod.

"Why don't you fire up your laptop and I'll get us a drink?" she says while standing up.

"Ok sure but no alcohol for me, I've got a lot of books to take to school tomorrow so I'll need to drive in the morning" I say.

"Ok no problem, a soft drink it is" she says while heading to the kitchen.

* * *

><p>"You're beautiful Brittany" Santana states and I snap my head in her direction, shocked because I didn't expect her to say anything like that to me. Santana is leaning back on the couch, holding the wine bottle upside down in the air with her tongue sticking out of her mouth trying to catch the very last drip. I realise now she is absolutely wasted so she probably didn't even realise what she said to me.<p>

"Thanks for the compliment" I say before trying to take the bottle away causing her to whine and hold onto it tighter. "Babe you're drunk and there's nothing left in the bottle so give me it please."

"I'm your babe huh" she grins while laying her head on my shoulder.

"Yes but come on, I'm not in the mood to deal with you drunk" I say. Santana is usually quite comical when she's drunk but at the same time she is also very energetic so I don't want to be awake all night because I need to get up earlier for work tomorrow.

"Hey why don't we dance?" she suggests while quickly sitting up.

"I don't really want to dance" I tell her but she doesn't seem to have listened because she is trying to pull me off the couch. "Sweetheart I don't want to dance just now so can you sit down please" I tell her and she sits down.

"I wrote a song recently, will I sing it to you?" she asks and I politely shake my head. One of Santana's hobbies is writing songs in her spare time and she is really good at it and she has a great voice, however when she's drunk she is awful at singing, she basically just shouts the words.

"Oh come on, you love when I sing to you" she states.

"I know but I'm not really in the mood for singing tonight, maybe another time" I say.

"Please, I want to let you hear my song" she pleads with me.

"How about I just read the song you wrote and you can sing it another time?" I suggest.

"No, it'll sound better if I just sing it rather than you reading it" she replies. "It's called 'Trying to Forgive' and I think you'll like it, although it is a bit emotional" she tells me.

"You really want to sing this to me don't you, you're not going to give up are you?" I ask.

"Nope, I never give up on anything" she proudly states.

"Ok well just sing it to me then" I say giving in.

"Ok, here goes" she says before raising her hand in the air. "I must warn you though, there's no music to it just now, I'll need to sing it a cappella" she tells me.

"That's ok" I nod before she starts.

About fifty seconds into the song I have to stop her because she is getting too emotional and I can see the pain in her eyes as she sings. I knew there was something serious going on with Santana and that song has just solidified my theory.

"Santana its ok, you don't need to sing anymore. I think you should sit down and take a breath" I tell her while trying to get her to take a seat.

"But I'm not done singing" she says through tears.

"I know and as great as the song is, I think its best you stop" I tell her softly.

"You liked the song?" she smiles slightly.

"Of course I liked the song, I like everything you write although it was a really emotional song. I hated seeing you so upset" I tell her.

"I don't want to be upset but I am" she tells me.

"What's going on babe?" I ask.

"I think I'm about to barf" she replies and for a split second I didn't realise what she meant until I realised she wasn't answering my question but was telling me she was about to throw up. Before I can help her off of the couch to go to the bathroom, she is leaning over and throwing up. After throwing up what looked like the whole contents of her stomach she began to cry.

"Babe, what's wrong?" I ask worriedly.

"I'm sorry" she replies through hiccups. "I didn't mean to throw up in the living room."

"No it's ok, don't cry. I know you didn't mean it" I reassure her. "Sometimes these things happen and they can't be helped, don't worry about it."

"I hate it when you see me throwing up. Does it not repulse you?" she asks, still crying a bit.

"I'm not a huge fan but I wouldn't go as far as to say it repulses me. Nothing about you would repulse me so please stop worrying" I tell her.

"I want to go to bed I think" she tells me and I smile.

"Ok, come on I'll help you to bed" I say while taking her hand to help her off the couch before wrapping my arm around her waist.

"Are you going to carry me?" she asks while smirking.

"I'm afraid not" I smile back at her. "I do however want to help you upstairs in case you fall since you're quite drunk."

"I'm not drunk" she starts to giggle loudly. Giggling is another thing she does a lot when she's drunk.

"Yes you are now I'm taking you to bed" I say.

"Are we going to have sex?" she asks hopefully.

"No you're going to go to sleep and I'm going to clean up downstairs" I reply.

"Damn I really wanted to…" I interrupt her talking because she has grabbed my butt and started squeezing it.

"Santana don't do that please, you need to concentrate on the stairs or you'll fall" I tell her.

"We've been walking up the stairs for a while now, did you build more?" she asks and I have to laugh.

"No honey, I didn't build more stairs. You just keep taking a pause after each step" I tell her.

"Oh" she replies. "I should start moving faster, huh?" she says and I smile.

We make it to the bedroom eventually and I manage to get her into bed. I have no idea how she'll cope at work tomorrow because she's going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning. As soon as her head hit the pillow she started to snore lightly so I knew it was safe for me to go back downstairs and clear up. Once I'm done downstairs I go to bed but I just can't seem to sleep, the words of Santana's song keep playing on my mind.

* * *

><p><strong>The next chapter will be in Santana's POV so you'll get to see how she is feeling about the situation they are currently in. The reason why Santana is acting like this will be revealed very soon. <strong>


	3. the truth is revealed

**Some of you were almost right with your guesses as to what is troubling Santana. This chapter reveals the truth. **

* * *

><p>Chapter 3: the truth is revealed<p>

Santana's POV

I wake up with the most pounding headache ever. I can't even remember what happened last night but I'm sure I downed a whole bottle of wine by myself. I don't normally get drunk that often on just wine but because I haven't had alcohol in a few weeks, I was drunk within seconds.

"Morning babe" Brittany says cheerfully and I groan at how loud she sounds.

"Can you speak a little quieter please" I whisper.

"Sorry" she whispers back. "How did you sleep?" she asks.

"I don't know, I don't remember. All I know is I was drunk last night" I answer.

"You were tossing and turning in bed all night, did you have a bad dream or something?" she asks.

"Not that I know of" I say.

"Maybe you should just work from home today and have a rest in the afternoon" Brittany suggests.

"Yeah maybe" I say yawning.

"Do you want some breakfast made before I go to work?" she asks while getting out of bed.

"No it's ok, you get ready for work. I'll sort myself" I say and she nods before heading to the en suite for a shower.

It's not until I go downstairs to the living room and smell strong chemicals that I remember I was so drunk last night that I threw up. I'm just trying to think what else I might have did or said last night when I was so intoxicated. Oh my god please don't tell me I started talking about the…

"Hey what are you doing in here?" Brittany asks walking into the living room. "I thought you might still have been in bed trying to sleep your hangover off.

"No I wanted to get up and do some paperwork" I say. "I'm sure I left my work bag in here last night and I needed to get some things out of it."

"Oh right" she nods.

"I can smell the stain remover for the carpet in here, I threw up and left you to clean it up didn't I?" I ask.

"Well you didn't leave me to do it, I offered. You seemed to feel really bad about throwing up, you were crying and everything" she tells.

"Apparently I am a woman of many emotions when I'm drunk" I say with a small smile.

"You are, you go from giggly to energetic to crying and then back to giggling again" she says laughing.

"I could be worse, I could lap dance or pole dance like you when you're drunk" I say smirking. "I don't know the last time you were drunk and didn't lose your shirt."

"Hey you like it when I do that, don't pretend you don't" she smiles back.

"Sometimes I do I guess" I say. "So apart from throw up, what else did I do last night?" I ask, slightly nervous that I may have done something I didn't want to or said something I shouldn't.

"Well you tried to get me to dance but I managed to talk you out of it" she says and I suppose that's not too bad. "Then you started to sing me a song."

"Oh god I didn't sing children's songs again did I?" I ask, cringing slightly at the prospect that I did.

"No, you sang one of your own songs" she tells me and my eyes widen. "Trying to forgive it was called and I have got to say it sounded really emotional so I had to stop you half way through because you got so upset." Shit she was never supposed to hear that song. "What is it that you're trying to forgive?" she asks.

"I need to start getting some work done" I say picking up my bag and leaving the room.

"Santana, why are you changing the subject" I hear her ask as I leave.

"Look I need to get on ok so don't disturb me" I say when closing the dining room door. Sometimes I like to do my work in the dining room if I'm at home, it's got a bigger table than my desk and it's quite a peaceful room to be able to concentrate in.

I'm not exactly sure when Brittany left for work because I did tell her not to bother me but when I went to get some coffee from the kitchen at nine thirty she was already away. I felt kind of bad though, because she left me a sticky note saying sorry with an X at the end and had my thermos filled with coffee sitting by the note. I really don't want to hurt Brittany when I am so bitchy towards her, it just happens. I can't help feeling the way I feel and sometimes it's so bad I take all my anger out on Brittany and other times I'm able to forget for a while and be happy. For instance when my friends are here I'm not constantly reminded of everything that happened because I'm preoccupied but when I'm with Brittany and there is a silence all I think about is how messed up everything is.

I know it's making things worse not confronting Brittany about what I found out recently but I'm just not emotionally ready to talk about it. We grieved enough together for the first month but then last month when I found out the real truth all the heartache came flooding back. The way in which I believed the incident happened, didn't actually occur exactly like that. Initially I thought Brittany and I were going through the same pain together and then I find out that she could have prevented some of it, well at least I think she could.

I definitely don't want to blame Brittany for what happened but I definitely think things could have been different if she didn't do what she did. I don't know why she did it but I feel she should have knew better and knew what I would have wanted. There are days I think she did it because she loves me and there are days I think she did it because it was the easy way out but ultimately I'll never know until I ask and I'm not ready for that yet.

* * *

><p>I was still so hung-over by mid-afternoon and I could barely eat any lunch so I decided to have a lie down and I'll just work longer tomorrow and get things up-to-date. Unfortunately having a quiet rest is proving harder than I thought, not only did the phone ring twice but I also can't seem to stay warm now. I keep shivering and I can't stop which is really weird because summer is less than two months away. Eventually though, I manage to fall asleep somehow.<p>

_"__It hurts, it hurts so badly" I say crying uncontrollably. _

_"__I'm here, everything is going to be ok. I know it hurts now but we'll get through it together" Brittany tells me. I know she means well but it's not helping. _

_"__I don't want to feel like this anymore" I say through tears. "The emotional pain is worse than this physical pain" I manage to mumble out between hiccups. _

_"__I know babe but I'm right here for you" she says hugging me tighter. _

_"__Why did this have to happen to me? What have I ever done?" I say, tears still flowing from my eyes. _

_"__You are a good person Santana, don't think you're not" she tells me. _

_"__Then why did this happen to us?" I ask. _

_"__I really don't know" she replies. _

_"__You won't leave me because of this, will you?" I ask. _

_"__Are you kidding, I am going nowhere babe. I am right here with you, I promise" she tells me. _

_"__I love you so much" I tell her as tears start to roll down my cheeks again. _

_"__I love you too" she replies. _

_"__I'll do better next time" I tell her desperately. _

_"__Babe what happened is nothing to do with what you did. You couldn't predict something like this happening so don't think you could have protected yourself from it" she tells me. _

_"__No but before that maybe if I looked after myself more, the end result wouldn't have been so drastic. Maybe things wouldn't have been so severe you know" I say. _

_"__Babe you need to stop torturing yourself because nothing could have prevented what happened" she tells me. _

I wake up sweating and out of breath. As soon as I touch my face I can feel the tears flowing from my eyes. That was no nightmare; that was me months ago before I knew Brittany had lied to me. The whole thing has been haunting me constantly and I want to move on but nothing seems to be letting me. There is no way I am going back to sleep now, chances are I'll only have flashbacks of what happened if I dare close my eyes again. I think I will just go back to the dining room and continue working because it certainly will take my mind off everything. I managed to get quite a bit of work done before Brittany got home from her work and made dinner.

We're now sitting on the couch watching TV together after eating and I can't stop thinking about earlier with those flashbacks. I just wish they would go away and leave me alone.

"Don't touch me" I snap when I feel Brittany put her arm around me. Those flashbacks have made me very on edge and I don't feel like being close to someone.

"Sant…" she tries to talk but I cut her off.

"Just don't touch me please" I reply.

"But you're my wife and I just want to put my arm round you" she protests.

"Just don't touch me, I mean it when I say that" I snap.

"Ok, fine" she sighs.

"Just be glad I'm sitting with you on the couch watching TV" I say.

"Oh I'm so honoured" she says cheekily.

"Do you know what I'm out of here, I don't need to be sitting here right now" I say while standing up.

"Ah 10 minutes" Brittany mumbles.

"Excuse me" I say while standing frozen on the spot.

"You only lasted 10 minutes sitting next to me" she says.

"Can you blame me?" I enquire.

"Not really, I mean I'm a horrible wife aren't I so why should you want to sit with me?" she states. I sigh at her response because I don't know what she wants me to say. "I guess sharing a bed is enough for you" she says.

"Trust me I wouldn't even be doing that if I could" I reply.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asks confused.

"I'd rather not share with you but it's my bed so why should I move?" I ask.

"One of these days I will get my real wife back" she says, ignoring my question. I can see a few tears slip from her eyes and as much as I hate it when she's upset, I know what she did to me was worse.

"Excuse me, this is me. The only way I might have changed is because of you so why don't you ponder that thought before saying I'm the bad person here" I say before storming out of the room.

* * *

><p>We barely spoke the rest of the night and here I am this afternoon at my parent's house. I finished work half an hour ago but to be honest I'm too afraid to go home because I know Brittany will be there. Well I'm not afraid of her, I just don't want to deal with anymore arguments or talking about my feelings with her so I'm trying to make up excuses as to why I'm not home. Plus who doesn't feel better when they talk to their mom so that's also why I'm here.<p>

"I didn't think I'd see you today, how are things?" my mom asks.

"Oh you know, no better really" I sigh.

"I'm not trying to be rude sweetheart but what Brittany did wasn't a bad thing, she did it for you" she says. "I don't understand why things have been so out of hand recently."

"It's because she lied about what happened, I thought the doctors did it because they had to. I didn't know there was ever a choice in the matter" I say annoyed. "Brittany made me believe they had to do what they did when they didn't necessarily."

"You're not listening to anyone Santana, I have tried to tell you why Brittany might have did it but if you refuse to talk to her about it then you'll never understand why she did it" my mom says slightly angrily.

"I'm not ready to talk to Brittany about it" I say, almost shouting because I am so frustrated.

"You are putting that girl through misery because she doesn't know why you're upset" my mom says. "She doesn't even know that you know about the conversation the doctor and she had but at the same time she doesn't see the significance."

"Well she should see it was a big deal and it is relevant" I snap.

"Brittany probably thinks what she did was the right thing that anyone would do so she won't understand why you hate her" my mom says.

"I don't hate Brittany, hate is too strong a word" I say.

"Why are you blaming Brittany for this?" my mom asks me.

"Maybe because it's partly her fault" I suggest.

"Whatever you think is her fault isn't and you need to talk to her" my mom says seriously. "I have really tried to understand Santana but what you're doing to Brittany is wrong. She doesn't deserve this treatment."

"I am your daughter, you're supposed to be there for me" I say close to tears.

"I am here for you, of course I am. It's literally breaking my heart seeing you like this and so upset" she replies, almost close to tears herself. "I just really think talking to Brittany will give you some understanding of why things were done" she tells me.

"She'll never understand" I state. I don't think anyone will understand the way I feel but that shouldn't mean I can't feel like this.

"Of course she will Santana. You just need to let her in" she tells me.

"I can't mom, everything has changed" I say.

"You need to see what a wonderful wife Brittany is and stop blaming her" she says.

"Of course I can't see how lovely Brittany is, I mean she is just great isn't she, so kind and caring huh" I say sarcastically.

"Everyone grieves in different ways but sometimes sweetheart, things seem to be going too far. You have to remember you both lost something that day and no matter what Brittany did, she was still heartbroken too" she tells me.

"Maybe this was a mistake coming here today, you obviously don't get it" I say. "I apologise mom for not being the daughter you wanted me to be, I'm so sorry that you didn't have Brittany as your daughter" I say while standing up from the table.

"Sit down!" my mom says sternly.

"I'm not a child or a dog for that matter" I say while glaring.

"Don't you dare talk to me like that" she says. "You are still my daughter so I will tell you what to do if I have to now sit down."

"Why?" I ask. "So you can tell me how perfect Brittany is?" I say.

"Santana you know I love and care for you. I always have and I always will" she starts off. "We used to have a great relationship and you know that but you have to see you're hurting everyone around you and that includes me and your dad. We are trying our best to help you through this heartache and I'll never know what it's like because I've never been in your position but I don't think you're being reasonable."

"I should be allowed to act how I want considering the emotional pain I'm in" I say.

"I know but surely you can see you're taking it out on everyone" she says.

"I don't know how else to feel" I say bursting into tears causing my mom to hug me tightly.

"I know sweetheart but tell me something, does it make you feel better taking your anger out on everyone" she asks and I shake my head because of course it doesn't. "I promise you Santana, the way you feel is the way Brittany feels so how would you like her to do that to you?" she asks.

"That's the difference though mom, things could be different now if she choose that option" I say crying.

"That might be what you think but Brittany felt she did the right thing so please stop blaming her because it really isn't her fault" she tells me.

"Mom I don't want to blame her but everything is telling me to" I say.

"I think you need to see someone Santana. I think you need to talk to a professional about how you feel because none of us seem to be helping you and it's tearing us all apart" she tells me.

* * *

><p>Brittany's POV<p>

I've made dinner for Santana and me but it went cold about an hour ago and I still don't know where Santana is because she hasn't come home. I'm really starting to get concerned now because she's not normally at work this late. I'm just about to call her phone when I hear the front door open.

"Oh there you are, I was worried sick" I say but all she does is shrug. "Dinner is a bit cold now but I could make us an omelette or something if you're hungry" I offer.

"I don't want anything to eat, I just want some rest" she tells me.

"Ok no problem" I say before Santana starts to walk upstairs. "Can I bring you a drink or anything?" I ask in case she's thirsty.

"No I don't want anything Brittany, leave me alone" she snaps.

"No" I say loudly which obviously surprised her because she turned around glaring at me and started walking back downstairs.

"You really know how to push my buttons Brittany" she says.

"I have had plenty of years of practice" I say before regretting it. I'm not a child so I don't know why I need to act like one, I'm sure there was a more mature response than that.

"You never know when to butt out of someone's business do you?" she says.

"What are you talking about?" I ask.

"It always has to be your way or no way at all isn't that right" she says cheekily.

"No that's not true. What gave you that impression?" I ask.

"That's the impression I get Brittany so tell me why you feel the need to include yourself in everything about my life, hmm" she asks.

"I don't want to come across smothering or anything so if you think that I'm sorry but I admit I do like knowing all about you since your my wife and I love you" I say slightly confused at what she means. Is it not obvious I like to know what's going on with her since we are married?

"There's taking an interest in your wife's life and there's being too overpowering" she says and I frown.

"I don't know where we're going with this" I say.

"The point is I want to have a say sometimes when it mainly affects me. I don't want you making decisions for me when it's not needed" she says and I agree.

"That's totally acceptable so if I keep doing that then tell me and I'll stop" I say.

"Look I just want to be on my own tonight so can you respect my wishes please" she asks.

"Of course" I nod. "I will say one thing, if I'm coming across differently lately it's only because I'm worried about you and I hate it when you shut me out. I know you want space but there is a limit and you've reached it. For weeks you have been off with me and it's becoming ridiculous" I say.

"Maybe I keep saying I want space because you're not actually giving me it when you say you will. I want to be alone tonight so that means don't even come in the room, it doesn't mean wait half an hour and come crawling into bed with me like you did the other week" she replies.

"So wait you're saying I need to sleep in one of our guest rooms tonight, I can't even come to bed" I ask.

"That's exactly what I mean" she says.

"Ok no problem but can you answer me one thing?" I ask and she nods. "Will we ever be the same again, I mean will you ever be able to talk to me about what's upsetting you?"

"I have no idea but right now there is no chance of me talking to you, I just can't" she says and now I'm getting pissed off.

"Santana why are you being like this me?" I ask angrily.

"Because I am ok" she states.

"No there is something going on and I don't like not knowing" I say. "Now tell me Santana, I mean it."

"Not everything is about you Brittany" she says cheekily.

"I didn't say it was" I answer. "I do need to know though if I'm fighting a losing battle. I mean I'm putting up with your behaviour just now because I'm scared I'll lose you if I say anything more but I'm worried I'm wasting my breath now and maybe I should tell you how this is making me feel" I say.

"I think you have said and done enough recently" she says.

"What do you mean by that?" I ask annoyed. She is the one that has been hurting me for weeks now.

"You did this to me ok, it is your fault I feel like this. Are you happy now?" she says angrily.

"Wait a second, what have I done?" I ask.

"You know what you have done" she snaps and I really don't know what I've supposedly done.

"Look I'm not going to lie, I don't know what I've done to deserve treatment from you so can't you help me here?" I say.

"I'm not ready to talk about it" she states.

"You keep saying that but I have no idea what you should be ready to talk about. You say you're not ready but what are you not ready for?" I ask.

"Let's just say I was talking to a few people recently and they brought quite a few things to my attention so I'm sorry if we're not in a good place right now but as far as I'm concerned you're lucky I'm still here" she tells me.

"Are you threatening to leave me?" I ask.

"You may think I'm hurting you right now but how the hell do you think I felt?" she asks. This is absolutely ridiculous now, I am so lost with what I've done it's unbelievable. I mean I'm supposed to have did something to Santana so this is why she's reacting so cold and bitchy towards me?

"Babe I hear you don't want to talk about it and I'm not trying to annoy you but for the love of God tell me what I have done" I demand.

"Don't speak to me like that!" she shouts.

"I am sick of your behaviour towards me so get a fucking grip and tell me what I did wrong" I say. My anger is getting extremely worse right now.

"Think about something you may have did that you haven't told me. Something life changing that happened about six months ago. You did something without consulting me so what could that be?" she asks.

"Santana I don't know what you're talking about" I say.

"I don't know how you can live with yourself knowing what you did to me" she says.

"As far as I'm concerned I have did nothing wrong to you" I say.

"Oh really" she questions.

"Yes, I haven't done anything" I say getting frustrated again. "I haven't done anything to hurt you."

"No you have hurt me, you've hurt me in a way I never thought you could" she shouts, catching me off guard a bit with her louder tone.

"Santana calm down babe" I say trying to defuse the situation.

"No, you killed my baby!" Santana screams. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for that."

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><p><strong>What does Santana mean by that? How could Brittany kill her baby? Let me know what you think. <strong>


	4. I'm done!

**Thanks for all the reviews, favourites and follows last chapter. It's much appreciated. Hopefully this chapter clears up a few things. **

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><p>Chapter 4: I'm done!<p>

"No, you killed my baby!" Santana screams. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for that."

"Excuse me" I say shocked. Where the hell did that come from? How can she say I killed our baby?

"You. Killed. My. Baby." she says slowly patronising me as if I'm stupid.

"Santana, what are you talking about? We all know the car accident was indeed that, an accident" I say. "It wasn't either of our faults, it was nothing but a very upsetting unfortunate accident, one that I would never wish upon anyone."

"You told the doctors to go through with the operation which ended up killing my baby" Santana says in tears. "You told them Brittany, you told them to do it which makes it your fault."

"Ok wait a minute" I say sighing. "The baby didn't die because of the C section babe, the baby died because she was premature and had a severe risk of not surviving" I say.

"I know it wasn't the C section itself, but if you told the doctors not to deliver the baby yet then she would have had a chance to grow inside me to full term and become stronger so then I could have gave birth to her normally and she'd be here now, alive and well" she says crying.

"Santana…" I say trying to hold back the tears.

"Admit it" she demands angrily but still crying.

"I'm not going to lie when the doctor asked I told him to proceed with the operation" I reply. "I don't know where this is all coming from because you knew you were getting a C section" I say confused.

"Yes because I thought it was the doctor's decision, I didn't realise there was a choice and if I had knew there was I would have said don't deliver the baby yet. You should have known I didn't want to have the baby delivered early if it could be avoided" she tells me.

"That's the thing no one knew one what would have happened, you could have begun to haemorrhage or you might have been fine so as your next of kin I had to make the decision because you were unconscious at that time and to me the safest option was to deliver the baby" I tell her. "If we waited any longer you could have got worse and I could have lost you but luckily you gained consciousness not long after" I say.

"Why didn't you check with me at that moment then, I know the doctor had asked already but why didn't you consult with me since I gained consciousness because I wouldn't have thought the doctor would have held you to the first answer" she asks.

"I thought what I did was right, we couldn't predict what could have happened so for both you and the baby I thought it was the best option" I say. "The baby probably wouldn't have survived inside you any longer due to how severe the placenta abruption was so she really had to be delivered even though she was way too early."

"No Brittany, how many times did I tell you it was my biggest fear our baby being born premature?" she asks. "I know someone at work and they were telling me about their niece being born premature and the things the family went through were horrible. I didn't want that for our baby and look what happened, we got it worse because my baby died."

"I know you told me about the story and how you were scared it would happen to us but I'm afraid the best option at the time was to deliver the baby. I won't apologise for doing the best thing for my wife and daughter" I say. Everything seems to go quiet before Santana breaks the long silence.

"Why" she asks teary eyed.

"Because you…" I start off but she cuts me off.

"No why did you want my baby dead" she asks.

"Babe it's not like that, not at all" I reply. How can she think that about me?

"You knew I always wanted children so why kill the one thing I wanted most in the world?" she asks.

"You make it seem like I am a cold hearted bitch that hates children" I state.

"Well you're not exactly giving me an alternative opinion with the way you act" she replies.

"Oh my god, you do actually think I am like that" I say sadly.

"You killed my baby so what do you want me to think?" she asks in tears.

"Please stop saying that, I did what I thought was best" I plead. "I wanted that baby as much as you did."

"Yeah sure sounds like it" she glares at me.

"Santana you could have bled to death if we didn't make a decision soon enough so to me the simplest option was deliver the baby which would be best for the baby and also better for you" I say.

"Was I bleeding that heavily?" she asks.

"No but the abruption was so severe there was a strong chance you could haemorrhage and go into shock" I say. "There was no way in hell I was taking that risk."

"Whatever" she brushes it off as if what I said was irrelevant.

"I'm really sorry but if I did have to choose between you then I'd pick you but in our situation there was no choice to make because no matter what happened the baby had to be delivered. You can think what you want about that day, but even though I would pick you I didn't have to because there was no options for the baby" I tell her.

"Are you telling me you'd openly choose to kill my baby if there were options?" she asks.

"No I wouldn't choose to kill anyone, I would choose to save someone, to save you" I reply.

"I am not a mother because of you" she states. This is doing my head in, there was no chance our baby would survive inside Santana however it just happened the baby was starved of too much oxygen by the time she was delivered that she basically took her first and last breath at the same time.

"Santana if it wasn't for me you could be dead, doesn't that mean something to you?" I ask.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asks.

"If I didn't let the doctor go through with the C section and deliver the baby then you probably would be dead right now" I answer.

"No I wouldn't, you said yourself no one could predict what would happen so maybe I would have been fine" she says.

"It's doubtful ok but anyway the baby really wouldn't be ok" I say.

"Stop talking like it was 100% sure I would be dead if the baby wasn't delivered" she snaps.

"We're not getting into this Santana, there were too many risks so the safest option was for the baby to be delivered. I'm sick of saying that all the time, I am telling you it was the right thing" I say growing angry.

"Why can't you just admit you ruined my chances of a baby?" she asks.

"Because it's not true" I state. "And will you stop saying your baby, it was mine too you know" I say angrily. "If I wasn't here you wouldn't have been pregnant so stop making out as if it was just your baby when it wasn't."

"Whatever Brittany" she dismisses my point.

"I was just as heartbroken as you were when our little girl didn't make it" I say.

"Oh yeah so you were" she says sarcastically.

We must have sat in silence for a good ten minutes before I spoke.

"We can have a baby again, when the time is right obviously" I suggest.

"No I can't" she replies

"How can you not?" I ask frowning. "We have plenty of years left to have children, we just need to wait for a bit."

"I can't have another baby because I don't want a baby with someone that didn't want our last baby" she tells me. "You're the only person I have ever dreamed of having a baby with so do you realise how much it hurts knowing that you don't share the same feeling, knowing that our baby, the one you killed you never wanted in the first place."

"Please Santana, can't you see" I'm almost begging now to get her to see sense.

"You don't get it Brittany" she says. "Every time I get dressed or have a shower I am reminded of what I lost. I look at that caesarean scar and all I think about is how I don't have a baby. I am scarred for life now for no reason because nothing came out of it since I have no baby" she tells me.

"Santana I appreciate you wanted that baby so bad but like I have said thousands of times that was the best option for both of you" I say. "I am telling you now there was no chance the baby would have survived inside of you because you're placenta was so detached from the inner wall of your uterus that there was no way oxygen would get to the baby" I don't mean to sound angry but she really isn't listening.

"But…" she starts off but I interject.

"Enough Santana!" I say loudly. "Our baby was dead no matter what happened!" I shout.

"Are you suddenly a doctor now or something?" she asks cheekily.

"No but my dad is and my mom is a nurse plus I'm a biology teacher so I'm not that clueless" I tell her.

"You still don't know enough to make a proper judgement" she tells me.

"Your mom is right, you need professional help Santana" I say. "I think you know what I did was the right decision but you're struggling with your grief that you're looking to blame it on something and that something is me. You don't want to feel this heartache anymore so why not blame it on Brittany 'lying' rather than dealing with the real issue here which is that you're depressed and grieving a lot more than you let on" I tell her.

"Ok so you're a doctor, a biology teacher and now a fucking therapist?" she asks angrily.

"That is just my assumption" I say.

"I'm going to bed now because I'm working tomorrow and this is making me exhausted. If you still want to talk and make me more stressed then we'll do it tomorrow ok?" she says while standing up from the couch.

"Fine, we'll talk tomorrow" I say. I would like everything sorted out but she is right we do have work and the last thing I need to do is be exhausted and distracted tomorrow. My students have exams coming up soon so they need me and I'll be no use if my mind isn't on the job.

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><p>Wednesday evening<p>

Santana and I have barely spoken since the truth came out last night. We did sleep in the same bed last night and did talk to one another briefly at breakfast this morning but that was about it. I'm glad I finally know what's wrong but at the same time I'm struggling to understand why she can't see I did it for the best. I desperately want us to work through things together but I don't know how that's going to happen if she can't listen to me.

Santana is due home any minute now and I've cooked dinner so I'm hoping we can sit down and finish our talk from last night while we eat. I have to realise though that Santana will be struggling differently from me because she carried our baby for seven months so she'll have different feelings from me. I'm definitely cut up about losing my daughter but I hadn't quite had the same bond with her as Santana did. Of course I bonded with my baby but there's one thing being there watching your wife carry your daughter and there's another, actually carrying your baby.

"Hey" I say as Santana walks into the kitchen.

"Hi" she replies.

"How was work?" I ask.

"It was ok, I was pretty distracted though" she answers.

"That's understandable" I say.

"How was your work? Did the students like the game you made up for them to revise?" she asks and I smile. I didn't think she'd remember about that. I was telling her the other night all about it but I thought with where her emotions and everything were, I didn't think she'd remember what I had said.

"Yeah, they said it really helped so I'm happy about that" I reply.

"So I made dinner and I thought we could eat while we finish our talk from last night" I suggest.

"Do we need to?" she asks causing me to frown. "I am exhausted right now. After all the hard work I put into sorting everything for a house that two of my clients were buying, they decided they weren't going to move anymore. I had done all the legal stuff, checked out everything on the area, went back and forth to the lawyers of the people that were selling the house, I negotiated offers on my clients' behalf and then I had to go and undo everything once they said they didn't want to move" she tells me and I do feel bad. However this isn't just about Santana and we need to sort the mess we're in.

"I know you might be tired babe but don't you want this thing sorted once and for all?" I ask.

"Yes Brittany but I'm not in the right head space tonight" she replies.

"I appreciate that but I can't live like this anymore, something has to change" I say.

"Ok fine" she sighs. "Can we at least eat a bit first before talking so I can get some energy into me?"

"Sure, you sit down and I'll plate out the food" I say and Santana sits down. Once we have started eating, we decided to just finish and clear up before we had our conversation. We didn't begin our talk or should I say argument until we were upstairs getting changed out of our work clothes to get more comfortable.

"I'm not sure I want to be with someone that can't see I tried to do the right thing and can't see I love them so much" I say as things begin to get heated. "You're the love of my life and it hurts so much that you can't understand my decision. Do you have any idea how I would feel if you were no longer with us, if you were dead. It makes me feel sick even thinking about it so I will never regret the decision I made even if it made us so hurt and miserable and we lost our precious daughter.

"Right" Santana nods.

"I'm being serious Santana, this is killing me" I reply. "Stop dismissing what I am saying and listen to me, please" I almost beg.

"Ok, I hear you" she says.

"Why do you stay with me?" I ask, realising that I am getting nowhere so I decide to change the angle on the situation.

"What do you mean?" she frowns.

"If you hate me so much then why do you still stay with me, why are we still married?" I ask and she doesn't really know what to say.

"Hate is a strong word Brittany" she replies.

"I don't understand why we are still married when you hate my guts and see no future with me anymore" I say. "I don't think you want to be with me so why are we still living together."

"Brittany I don't hate you, obviously I'm upset and stuff but hate is too strong a word" she tells me. At least it's something I guess.

"Why don't you just divorce me?" I ask. "I clearly make you that miserable."

"Well…em…eh" she doesn't know what to say again.

"Do you still love me?" I ask while looking straight into her eyes.

"Em…I mean…eh" she stutters over her words once again.

"It's an easy answer, a yes or a no is all you need to reply" I say.

"Brittany I…" she takes a pause for a moment "I just…"

"Do you love me Santana?" I ask starting to get teary eyed.

"I want to but…" she replies before I cut her off.

"Do you know what, forget about it. I'm done" I say with tears running down my face.

"Done?" she questions. "What do you mean you're done?"

"Yeah I'm done, I'm leaving" I say wiping the tears off my face with a tissue.

"You're leaving me?" she asks completely shocked for some reason. I grab my overnight bag from the closet and throw some of my things into it. "Brittany are you leaving me?" she asks.

"I have had enough of this treatment Santana, I can't do it anymore" I say while grabbing my toiletry bag from the bathroom.

"Do what?" she asks.

"Be a target for you?" I reply.

"What are you talking about?" she asks confused.

"I'm your wife Santana not someone you can just hurt whenever you feel like. You constantly tell me what a bad wife I am and how I ruined this for you. You take all your anger out on me and blame me for everything" I say.

"I…"

"I'm not finished speaking, this is it for me. I will not be your punching bag anymore, figuratively speaking obviously" I say and there is a brief period of silence as I pack a few more things into another bag. "I've tried my hardest to get you to see things from my perspective but clearly you have tunnel vision. I refuse to wait around any longer, hoping that I will get the woman I love back because it's too late now. You've pushed me too far, I love you so much but things can't keep going the way they were."

"Are you done now, can I speak?" she asks.

"Yes" I reply sighing.

"Ok so now the dramatic rant is over, can we at least talk about…" she says and I glare while cutting her off.

"Hold on a second, I'm not being dramatic" I state.

"Come on you are a bit" she says.

"No I'm not I am serious, I have had enough" I reply.

"Look why don't you put your stuff away and we can talk about this weird notion of you leaving because I know you're not going to leave" she says and boy could she be anymore wrong.

"I mean it this time" I say seriously. "I am leaving Santana."

"I'm sure you do" she says.

"How dare you belittle me like that, I am leaving because I need a break" I say angrily.

"We all need a break sometimes Brittany but we don't threaten to leave when we have no intentions of leaving" she says.

"Are you not listening to me, I am leaving so I'm going to go to my parents' house" I tell her.

"Ok so life got a little hard, well really hard because you did kill my baby but that doesn't mean you need to pretend to leave me" she replies.

"I'm not even talking to you anymore about this, just have a good life Santana" I say as I grab my bags and run down the stairs.

"Point made Brittany now come back upstairs" Santana says as she follows me down the stairs. I don't say anything, I just open the front door. "The joke has went on long enough so just put your stuff back upstairs please" she tells me.

"I will pick up the rest of my stuff tomorrow" I tell her before leaving the house and slamming the door behind me.

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><p>Thursday afternoon<p>

Santana's POV

I don't know why Brittany had to pull a stunt like that but I wasn't amused whatsoever. I didn't go after her last night, I thought it would be best to let her cool off for a bit. As expected she didn't come home either but I'm pretty sure she said she was going to stay at her parent's house. I'm currently on the phone with Quinn right now and I was telling her all about last night.

_Me: Yeah so she didn't come home_

_Quinn: I see _

_Me: she'll be back soon enough, she's only proving a point_

_Quinn: honey I don't think she is just proving a point, it sounds pretty serious_

_Me: she just needs time to calm down_

_Quinn: Santana I don't mean to be blunt but she's left and I don't think she is coming back anytime soon_

_Me: of course she is, don't be silly. We're married. _

_Quinn: I know but like I say this sounds really serious, maybe you should go and talk to her. _

_Me: I don't know if that's a good idea. _

_Quinn: you have almost lost her Santana, you need to make this right straight away. Apologise to her as soon as you see or hear from her. _

_Me: apologise for what? I should still be on maternity leave with a four month old baby right now not feeling like this so why should I need to apologise for being heartbroken?_

_Quinn: Santana I am talking about the way you treat Brittany, it's awful._

I am just about to answer Quinn when I hear the front door open and walk to the hall to see who it is. When I see its Brittany, I tell Quinn I have to go and I'll speak to her again at some point.

"Hey, you're back" I say to Brittany.

"I'm only here to collect a few more things and then I'm going back to my parent's house" she tells me.

"You made your point clear, I get it. I may have treated you unfairly but I can't help these feelings" I say.

"Look no matter what you said or did to me, I think it is important you have some space from me. Hell I need space from you to gather my thoughts so if I'm not here for a while it should hopefully make things clearer" she says.

"But I don't want you to go" I tell her, almost on the brink of tears.

"Santana…" she says sympathetically. "I need to go."

"You can't leave, it's not right" I tell her while grabbing her arm desperately. "You're my wife and I'm yours, a marriage won't work if we are not living together."

"Santana I have to, I cannot put up with this anymore. I'm going to collect some stuff and then I'm gone" she says.

Before I know it, I'm alone in that big house again. Brittany got more stuff and then left, she wasn't even going to say goodbye but because I heard her come running down the stairs she was forced to. I don't understand what makes her think she can leave me at a time like this, she is my wife and I need her here. Crap why didn't I tell her that. I slump down onto the floor in a heap, crying my eyes out wishing I begged harder for her to stay.

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><p><strong>Hope this was ok, let me know. More details of the incident will be revealed through flashbacks later on. I didn't want to put in too much as it would be hard to digest.<strong>


	5. Vacation

**Thanks for all reviews, follows and favourites for the last chapter. **

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><p>Chapter 5: vacation<p>

It's just over two months since I moved out and I haven't seen Santana a lot since. I went over to the house to get a few more things but we didn't say all that much. I don't think either of us knew what to say to be honest. I think she is really trying to get better though, I mean we never fought once and she only seemed to have nice things to say to me. We still have all the same friends as each other and Quinn told me that Santana has started up going to therapy so I'm glad about that. I'm also worried that I was the problem because why is she now going to therapy and getting better when I'm not in her life. We're going on vacation with all our friends next week and I'm scared me being there is going to set Santana back but at the same time I can't lie, I want to see her so bad.

"Hey Brittany, it's me. Can I come in?" I hear my mom ask as she knocks on my bedroom door.

"Of course mom, in you come" I say and she walks in.

"Santana is downstairs at the door, she wants to talk to you" she tells me. "Will I send her up or is that a bad idea?" she asks.

"No you can send her up" I reply.

"Ok" she says before going back downstairs. Within a few seconds Santana walks hesitantly into the room.

"Hey" she says quietly. "How are you?"

"Ok I guess, you?" I ask.

"Yeah ok I suppose" she replies. We're silent for a few moments because as usual no one knows what to say to the other.

"Quinn said you were going to therapy, how is that going?" I ask.

"My therapist thinks I have a form of psychological projection but we're working through it" she tells me and I frown.

"What does that mean?" I ask.

"Well the form my therapist thinks I have is where I project how I feel about myself onto others, mainly you" she says and I frown again because I don't understand.

"I'm lost, what do you mean?" I ask.

"I know you didn't kill our baby, I never thought you did for one second" she says and I almost collapse because she is definitely being genuine.

"Santana don't mess with me" I tell her completely surprised at what she just said.

"I'm being serious Brittany, I never once thought you killed our baby" she tells me.

"Yes you did, you told me it was my fault" I say.

"I was driving that car Brittany, it was all my fault that our baby died" she tells me, collapsing in tears.

"Santana…" I say shocked. "I don't understand" I say.

"I didn't want to live with the pain anymore of knowing it was all my fault so I thought if I blamed something else then you wouldn't hate me. It all back fired though because I took all my anger out on you and ended up blaming you when I never meant that. I know that sounds so bad but it seemed better than for you to walk out on me" she tells me. "I know you left anyway but I never thought you would you know."

"How could you do that to me?" I ask. "You put me through hell."

"No you don't understand, everything I said to you was how I felt about myself. I never meant to hurt you but I felt I had to blame something so the idea was blaming you but everything I felt and said was targeted towards me. I was too ashamed to admit I killed our baby that as I began to say stuff, the worse it got because I couldn't bring myself to say it was all on me" she says.

"So you're telling me everything you said about killing our baby you were targeting towards yourself but just used my name so to speak?" I ask.

"That's exactly it, when I talked to my mom I used your name for cover but secretly I was blaming myself. Things just got so out of hand that I ended up hurting you way more than I intended" she tells me.

"Wow this is a lot to take in" I say while taking a deep breath. "I'm not entirely sure if I understand your behaviour towards me though if that is the reason" I say.

"I wanted to be alone because I was so ashamed of myself, I didn't want you to touch me because I don't deserve you because you're a much better person than me, I said I could never forgive you because I can't forgive myself" she tells me through tears.

"So everything you did was because of you not me?" I ask.

"I realise it sounds so fucked up but it's the truth, I killed our baby and couldn't bring myself to admit it that I blamed you. You weren't supposed to be blamed but when I found out you had a choice it gave me an excuse. I never meant to blame you but I couldn't think of anything else and I knew if I told you the truth you would have left me for killing your daughter so I thought you'd stay with me more if I blamed you than if you knew the truth. Does that make sense in a fucked up way?" she asks.

"I see" I say trying to digest everything.

"I know I am a sicko for putting the blame on you but I was messed up, I wasn't coping Brittany like I really wasn't coping with the loss" she tells me.

"I didn't think you could ever hurt me but what you did was low Santana" I tell her.

"I love you so much Brittany and I took you for granted. I deserved to die instead of our baby" she says and that's one thing I disagree on. No matter what happened no one deserves to die.

"No Santana you didn't deserve to die, sure you fucked up big time but you most certainly didn't deserve to die because that crash wasn't your fault" I tell her. "What I don't get is how you could pick me to blame and not someone else."

"That's what I'm saying, I never meant you but because my emotions were everywhere and I wasn't thinking straight, it just happened" she says. "Plus the difference was you knew you did the right thing and no one blamed you but I know I killed our baby and I know everyone will actually hate me" she tells me. I shouldn't feel bad for her because she put me through so much pain but at the same time I know that wasn't the woman I married.

"So what you really did love me then?" I ask still confused.

"When you asked if I loved you I didn't deny it, you just didn't let me talk" she says quietly.

"It's ok, you don't need to explain the whole thing" I say.

"No I do because I gave you the wrong impression. I do love you Brittany, I did then and I still do now. I wanted to explain my point before I answered your question but you took 'I want to' as my answer when it wasn't" she says.

"No you said 'I want to but' that's different" I say.

"I didn't mean it as I didn't love you, if you had just let me finish you'd know that. I did love you but I felt like I wasn't supposed to. I didn't feel worthy to love anyone and you didn't deserve my behaviour so I didn't feel I should say I loved you because of the way I treated you but like I say I did love you" she says and I sort of know what she's saying but it doesn't exactly make sense.

"This is a lot to deal with Santana, did you come here to explain all this?" I ask and she laughs slightly.

"No, I only came here to say I didn't want us to be awkward around one another on vacation. I was going to let you get used to us being in close proximity before I admitted the truth and let you kill me basically" she says.

"What you did was fucked up, we established that but I don't want our vacation ruined" I tell her. "It doesn't mean I forgive you for hurting me but I must admit the woman who hurt me wasn't the real you so I can believe something mentally was going on with you" I say.

"If in the future you ever think you can forgive me for killing our daughter then I'm going to prove to you that bitch wasn't Santana Lopez. That was the depressed, ill version that never wishes to arise again" she says.

"I can't predict the future Santana but I can't deny how much I love you" I tell her honestly.

"I'll fight for you and I will never hurt you again. I am still going to therapy to work out the rest of my issues but nothing has been clearer before, all I need is you so if you ever think you can be with me again then I'm going to make it up to you" she says.

"I can't get back together with you if you keep blaming yourself either. You didn't cause that accident as much as you were driving, there was nothing you could do but collide with that vehicle" I say. "Now I know you were going to therapy but make sure you keep going to work through those things."

"I will" she nods. "I have no idea how calm you can be right now, I would hit the roof if I were you and this me fucked you over like that."

"To be honest Santana I want to move on and forget the whole thing. I don't want to dig up the past anymore, I'm just glad you don't hate me and you didn't really blame me. Of course I'm upset and angry at what you did by blaming me but the more I think about it the worse I feel" I say. "Why don't we just enjoy the vacation with our friends and have fun and we'll talk about this once we're back" I suggest.

"I'll do anything for you Brittany" she replies and I nod.

* * *

><p>"We're going on vacation" I say happily while dancing around with Tina as we walk through the airport towards check in.<p>

"Brittany get your own dance partner, Tina is mine" Mike says jokingly while pulling Tina towards him.

"Santana get over here" I tell Santana.

"W-What?" she asks surprised.

"You're the next best dancer so get over here" I say smiling and Santana slowly walks over to me.

"I don't think we should be messing around like nothing happened Brittany" she tells me.

"Can we just have fun and enjoy our two weeks and we'll discuss everything later. I need two weeks drama free to be normal again. I'm emotionally and physically drained with everything, I just need a break" I ask her.

"Of course but are you sure you want to actually have fun with me?" she asks nervously.

"Like I say it's going to take me a while to forgive you but ruining a vacation won't make us feel better. Let's have two weeks of awesomeness and don't worry about anything until we're back home" I say. I haven't forgiven her but definitely two weeks away from home and away from reminders is what we need. I want to feel like a kid again and remember how fun everything used to be before the drama began.

"Ok I'm on board. Let's do this shit" she says while raising her hands in the air happily.

"Ok but let's not swear when we're in a public place and there are young ears" I say laughing.

"Sorry" she replies smiling.

As soon as we are all done at the check in, we headed to one of the eating areas in the airport and get breakfast. I could tell Santana was still a bit hesitant to try and act 'normal' around me. I know I should be more upset with what she did but honestly I have had enough of the drama, for about nine months all I have done is grieve for my daughter and gradually drift away from my wife and I don't want to feel sad anymore. Of course our baby will always have a special place in my heart but it's time for me to be happy again and I won't be if past memories keep resurfacing and I keep constantly fighting with Santana.

"Hey guys I'm just going to use the bathroom, I'll be back soon" I tell everyone.

"Wait and I'll come with you" Rachel says while standing up before we both walk over to the bathrooms. "What's going on with you and Santana?" she asks.

"We've decided to enjoy the vacation and we'll talk when we get back. I'm tired of us arguing and creating a negative atmosphere" I reply. Actually I don't even know if anyone knows the real reason why Santana blamed me. She told me but did she tell anyone else?

"Are you back together?" Rachel asks.

"No and if we ever get back together it'll take time but like I say I want to move on from the drama right now. I'm only twenty five so I'm young so I want to have fun and enjoy this vacation before everything is over and we're all back at work" I tell her.

"Brittany you're still married to Santana, you're only just broken up" she tells me and I frown because why is she telling me something that's obvious.

"Yeah and what about it?" I say.

"Well you can't act single and pretend you're young and free" she tells me.

"Rachel I'm not thick. When I said I was young I meant I have my whole life ahead of me so why should I start it off feeling miserable and when I said I wanted to have fun I meant with all of my friends including Santana. I didn't mean I was going to act single and chat up the next brunette I saw. If I did mean that then I'd chat you up" I say the last part with a little smirk.

"Oh my god Brittany" Rachel shrieks in disgust causing me to laugh.

"It serves you right" I glare at her. "What makes you think I could cheat on Santana?" I ask.

"It was the way you said you wanted to have fun" she answers.

"Regardless of the situation Rachel, I can't pretend the last ten years never happened" I say. "I have been in a relationship with Santana for ten years so even if we're not together anymore I'm certainly in no position to move on and neither is she I don't think."

"Ok, I'm sorry for getting the wrong end of the stick" she apologises.

After going to the bathroom, Rachel and I headed back to the departure gate where everyone else was waiting. The plane ride wasn't really that interesting, just your average plane journey. As soon as we arrived at the hotel we got checked in and then started to decide who was sharing a room with whom. Initially when the vacation was booked, Santana and I were still together so we're just trying to sort the best way for everyone to be happy with who they're sharing with.

Mercedes and Puck had to go into the apartment with the large family room as they had Jake and we figured Mike and Tina would be as well taking the other room in that apartment since it had a double bed and they're married. The only problem was since Sam and Artie decided to take the studio apartment since it had two single beds then Santana and I would need to be in the third apartment as well as Rachel and Quinn. I don't mind sharing an apartment with Rachel and Quinn but I didn't know if it would be good for Santana to be seeing even more of me this vacation than needed.

"Look how about I just share one of the rooms with Santana and you can share with Rachel" Quinn suggests to me.

"Ok fine that suits me but if you don't want to share an apartment with me Santana, just let me know. I can always sleep on the couch in the apartment with Mercedes and everyone" I say. I don't want Santana being uncomfortable around me. I know we wouldn't be sharing an actual room but we'd still see each other more than what we would if we didn't share an apartment.

"Brittany I really don't mind sharing" she tells me.

"Ok well that's the rooms all sorted then" I say smiling. "How about we go unpack our stuff and meet back here at the reception for dinner around seven" I suggest and everyone seems happy with that.

Once Quinn opened the door she went into the apartment followed by Rachel. However it seemed Santana and I both went to walk inside at the same time and we nearly bumped into one another.

"Uh…sorry" Santana says nervously. "You go."

"It's ok and thanks" I say with a smile before walking inside.

* * *

><p>We've been on vacation for four days now and it's actually really fun. Santana and I seem to be getting on well as friends at the moment which I'm pleased about. We're getting on so well in fact, sometimes I wonder why we ever split but then I'm quickly reminded of the reason. I promised myself I wouldn't bring up the whole baby incident on vacation but I can't help thinking about it or get my head around the fact Santana has changed so quickly. Two months ago she hated me and blamed me and now she doesn't. I know she is genuine, it just seems weird how quickly she realised or came to terms with her own issues.<p>

"Oh hey, you're up to" Santana says as she walks into the kitchen area of our apartment.

"Jeez, you gave me a fright there" I say laughing.

"Sorry. What are you doing up?" she asks.

"I couldn't sleep, what about you?" I ask.

"I woke up really thirsty for some reason" she replies.

"Oh right well I've just got myself a bottle of water, do you want one" I ask.

"Yeah, sure" she says while taking the bottle from me once I get it out of the fridge.

"Is Quinn still in bed?" I ask as we walk to the living room and take a seat.

"Yeah, I assume Rachel is as well?" she asks.

"Yep she certainly is" I say sighing. "Has Rachel always snored?"

"Oh yeah, you have no idea" Santana says laughing.

"I have not slept a full night right through since we got here" I state.

"I can swap with you if you want" she offers.

"I don't think I'd like that either, Quinn doesn't seem to like me at the moment. She keeps glaring at me, she was fine the first day and then she started to get weird" I say.

"She's maybe jealous that we're talking again. After you moved out, Quinn and I became close friends again because apart from you and my family, she was the next person I was closest to" she says.

"Oh right, I see" I say understanding.

"She probably feels pushed out again and lonely" she states. "I'm going to try and find her a nice boyfriend but she gets so picky with guys sometimes."

"Oh remember that date you set her up with to go to Mike and Tina's wedding" I say laughing.

"Ok that was on purpose" she says laughing. "She kept making fun of everyone else I wanted to set her up with so to pay her back I asked this really creepy client from work to go as her date and when he turned up her face was hilarious."

"I wish we took a picture of it" I say. We spend the next ten or fifteen minutes reminiscing about the past and having a laugh together. "I have really missed your laugh" I tell her.

"Well I've missed laughing, especially with you" she says.

We sit in silence for a few minutes not really knowing what to say to one another. It's not entirely awkward but it is weird that we don't have anything to talk about since we've not seen one another in two months.

"Oh I meant to say thanks for paying for my share of dinner at the restaurant tonight" I say to her. "I don't know how I could forget to put my money in my purse."

"It's no problem I know you would do the same for me" she replies.

"Yeah, I would" I say with a smile.

"Have you did something different with your hair, I've only just noticed it looks a little darker" she asks.

"Yeah I darkened it a bit" I reply. "I thought you would have noticed sooner" I say.

"Actually I did, I was sort of lying there. It's only really tonight I've felt I could talk to you alone. Our friends seem to insist on all of us spending time together as a group all the time" she says and I nod.

"I know what you mean" I agree.

"So what made you go a little darker with your hair?" she asks.

"I just fancied a change, I mean you know how much I like darker hair" I say with a slight smirk. It's no secret I usually go for darker haired girls, it's probably part of the reason I fell for Santana.

"Yeah" she says smiling. Before I can even reply or say anything else Santana leans in and I can feel her lips touch mine.

* * *

><p><strong>How do you think Brittany will react, bearing in mind she hasn't forgiven Santana yet but she is still her wife?<strong>


	6. Friends

**Thanks for all the reviews on last chapter as well as the favs and follows. **

**There is going to be flashbacks soon of the therapy sessions and you'll get to see how Santana realised what she was doing to Brittany. At the end of the day though, no matter what Santana did or didn't do, Brittany still got hurt so she needs time to deal with things too. Santana will definitely fight for Brittany because they are meant to be together. **

* * *

><p>Chapter 6: Friends<p>

As soon as I felt Santana's lips touch mine my first instinct was to kiss back because that's what I've been used to for the last ten years of my life. However after a second I quickly realise what's going on and pull right away before I could actually kiss her.

"No Santana" I state firmly.

"What's wrong?" she gives me a shy smile.

"We can't do this" I say.

"But I thought everything was good with us now, we were laughing and joking together" she says with a hint of sadness in her voice.

"Things are getting better I admit that but that doesn't mean we can kiss" I state.

"I don't get it, are you deliberately playing with my feelings and leading me on" she asks.

"How am I leading you on?" I ask confused.

"You keep smiling at me, you put your arm around me a few times, you give me compliments, you tell me things will get better and you even held my hand earlier" she states.

"I didn't mean to lead you on if I did" I say honestly. "However the hand hold was a complete accident. I stumbled a little so reached out to hold onto something not realising you were so close" I tell her.

"I know but you didn't pull away quickly or anything" she says.

"Santana I am sorry ok if I'm giving you mixed signals but we're friends, that's it for just now" I say and she immediately looks down. "I'm not ruling out us getting back together but for right now we're just friends until we can work through some things" I tell her.

"Ok I'm sorry for trying to kiss you, I guess I just misunderstood" she tells me. "Maybe I should just go back to bed now" she says while standing up from the couch. "I really am sorry."

"Santana stop apologising" I smile. "I'm not mad you tried to kiss me or anything, I just want to make sure we do things properly and work through what we need to. I don't want anything to ruin our chances of getting back together" I tell her.

"Ok" she says nodding.

"Look why don't you stay and we'll finish talking, I want to know what's been going on in your life the last two months" I say.

"Ok" she says sitting down. "Where do I start?" she sing-songs aloud.

"Start anywhere" I tell her while smiling.

"Well I did get a haircut" she replies.

"Wow, you went wild huh?" I say jokingly.

"I did that" she smiles. "It's not like I don't get my haircut every two months or so."

"No but seriously though, I want to know what went on when I didn't see you" I tell her.

"Look how about we wait until we get home until we talk about that, therapy was a tough thing for me to do so I don't want to ruin the vacation just now and go into all the hurt and sadness again" she says.

"Ok sure, but I'm not letting you off lightly. If I can't sleep right now because of Berry snoring then you aren't getting to sleep either" I tell her.

"Ok well let's talk about something else then" she suggests.

"Ok cool" I say.

* * *

><p>We're all sitting at breakfast planning what we are going to do today but for some reason I can't stop yawning.<p>

"Late night was it Britt?" Mercedes asks.

"Sort of" I reply with a yawn. "Rachel here kept snoring and it was annoying me so I got out of bed for a while and then I saw Santana and we got to chatting" I say.

"Yeah and before we know it, it's 3am" Santana says.

"If you want we could always just do our own things today instead of planning something together" Tina suggests. "I mean you feel free to go back upstairs for some rest or something Brittany. We could all just meet for dinner later around six and do what we want until then."

"Actually that's probably the best idea because I'm not much company if I'm yawning and almost falling asleep every few minutes" I say.

"Ok that's settled then, once we finish here we're all free to do anything we want and then just meet again for dinner" Tina states.

"I think Puck, Artie, mike and myself will do a bit of golfing" Sam states and just about everyone laughs.

"What?" he asks confused.

"Nothing, it's just when do you guys ever go golfing?" Santana asks.

"We don't hence the reason we want to try it" Artie replies.

"Well I think I want to do some shopping, any of you ladies in?" Quinn asks and Mercedes, Tina and Rachel all seem interested. "What about you Santana, do you want to go shopping?"

"I'm not sure" she replies.

"Come on we've not been shopping in ages" Quinn says. "Plus it would let Brittany rest in peace if she has the apartment to herself."

"Ok fine I will go shopping with you girls" Santana replies.

Once breakfast is over we all head back to our rooms and get ready for the day. To be fair the others are the only ones that get ready; I just go and have a lie down. Its ten minutes later and I'm lying on the sofa with my eyes closed when I hear Quinn and Santana talking from their room.

_"__What do you mean you might just stay here?" _Quinn asks.

_"__Well I can't really be bothered going shopping anymore plus I don't think it's nice we all go out and leave Brittany back here at the hotel on her own"_ Santana replies.

_"__Santana" _Quinn sighs. _"I don't think Brittany will want you hanging around her all the time. You need to give her space"_ Quinn says.

_"__But I don't want her here all day herself, it's not very fun" _Santana says. _"I've really missed her and we have barely got a chance to talk this vacation so I want to spend time with her" _she tells Quinn.

_"__But Santana, she was the one who broke up with you so I doubt she wants to spend any time with you" _Quinn says and I have to put my foot down here. I walk over to their door and knock on it.

"Can I come in?" I ask.

"Of course" I hear Santana reply so I open the door and walk into their room.

"I wasn't listening on purpose or anything but I totally heard your whole conversation" I tell them.

"If you weren't listening, how could you hear" Quinn says while glaring at me.

"Because you talk so loud and the walls are pretty thin" I reply. "Look I know you've been there for Santana but it's not your business to make assumptions about me. I didn't break up with Santana because I didn't want to spend time with her, I broke up with her because we needed time to think on our own" I tell Quinn.

"You're constantly contradicting yourself Brittany" Quinn says.

"Excuse me?"

"Well one minute you want space then the next you're hanging out with Santana then you don't want to see her again, I mean make up your mind" she says.

"That was two months ago, we've moved on a bit now" I say. "We've had space so now I think it's time we rebuilt our friendship and eventually our relationship" I state.

"Whatever, I'm done with this" Quinn says waving her arms in the air. "I just don't understand anymore. I was there for you Santana and now that Brittany is talking to you again, I'm ditched" she says.

"It's not like that Quinn but you have to remember she's my wife" Santana says.

"Look you two can do whatever you want now, I'm going shopping with the others whether you come or not Santana" Quinn says before pushing past me.

"Santana I am sorry if I'm confusing you, I don't mean to" I say genuinely.

"You're not" she replies.

"Two months have passed so I definitely think we've had enough time to think on our own so I want us to reconnect slowly again" I tell her. "I don't blame you for how I feel because that wasn't really you, but because of how I felt then I can't just get back into a relationship so soon."

"Brittany I get it, you don't have to keep telling me" she says.

"Ok, good" I reply with a smile.

"I do want to spend time with you today though" she tells me.

"That's cool and we can" I say.

"Awesome" she says smiling. "I'll go and tell Quinn I'm staying here with you instead of going shopping" she says before leaving the room.

* * *

><p>Everyone left to go out for the day about an hour ago and as soon as they left I lay down on the couch and watched TV but ended up quickly falling asleep. It wasn't until about two seconds ago that I woke up at the smell of scented oils. I quickly get off the couch and follow the smell and end up in the bathroom where I see Santana.<p>

"Hey what are you doing?" I ask as she lights a few candles around the tub.

"This is for you" she says turning around smiling. "I made you a bath and now I'm trying to create a relaxing atmosphere" she tells me.

"Thanks" I smile back. "I don't need to relax though, I'm good" I tell her.

"No you're tired and I know you like to take a nice hot bath and relax when you're tired" she replies.

"Yeah but I've just been a sleep for an hour there so I'm refreshed" I say.

"Ok well that's ok" she says. "No point it going to waste so I'll just have this."

"Now hold on a second" I smile. "I never said I didn't want to have a bath, all I said was that I was already relaxed."

"So do you want this or not?" she asks pretending to be annoyed.

"I want it" I reply.

"Good" she smiles. "I will leave you to it then, I'll be in the living room if you need me" she says before leaving. As soon as she shuts the door behind her, I quickly get undressed and jump into the tub. It was really nice of Santana to do this for me, I know she is really trying to make amends with what happened.

I don't know how long I lay in the tub for but suddenly I hear a banging on the door so I'm jolted away. Damn I must have fell asleep or something.

"Brittany are you ok in there?" I hear Santana shout through the door.

I quickly clear my throat, "Yeah I'm fine" I reply.

"Ok, sorry to bother you. It's just you've been in there a while and I heard no movement or anything" she says.

"Sorry I must have fell asleep" I say. "What time is it?"

"Its 1pm" she replies and I frown. Shit I must have been in here for the better part of two hours. "I've ordered us room service for lunch" she tells me.

"Ok cool, I'll be out in a second" I say before quickly jumping out of the tub. I then get dried off and dressed as quickly as I can before making my way to the living room. "Hey" I say while sitting next to Santana on the couch.

"Hey" she smiles. "I thought you were in there for the day" she says.

"No, I just fell asleep. I woke up when you knocked on the door" I reply.

"I see, you must have been freezing" she says.

"I was" I nod. "If this is what happens when I can't sleep at night then I'll need to move rooms or something. If I can't sleep because of Rachel's snoring then I'll need to find somewhere else because I can't keep falling asleep like this during the day" I tell her.

"Swap with Quinn then and you can share a room with me" she says shyly.

"I don't know if that's a good idea" I say gently.

"Look I get it Brittany, you don't want to get back together yet. I do understand so I won't expect anything other than sharing a room with a friend" she tells me.

"Ok well maybe Quinn and I could swap rooms then" I say.

"Ok well let's get your stuff together and move it into my room before lunch arrives" Santana says and I nod. It takes us about fifteen minutes for me to move everything into Santana's room and for Santana to move everything belonging to Quinn to the room I used to share with Rachel.

"Will Quinn be ok with us touching her stuff and shifting it through to the other room" I ask.

"I don't care if she isn't. We planned this vacation for everyone remember so she can just deal with it" she tells me and I nod.

"So…" I am about to ask a question when there is a knock on the door, presumably the room service Santana ordered.

"Hold that thought, I'll be back in a second" Santana says before running to the door and collecting the room service. As soon as she brings it over, it doesn't take us long to begin eating.

"Oh my god, this food is amazing" Santana says, almost moaning at the taste.

"Steady on" I say laughing.

"Come on you have to admit this food tastes so good" she says while chilli sauce drips down her chin.

"It is actually really nice" I agree.

"I must look a mess right now with sauce all over my face huh?" she asks while chewing. "You must think I look like a greedy pig."

"Not really, I'm just glad you're enjoying it" I say smiling.

"By far this has to be the best hotel food we've had" she states.

"I would say second best" I say. "I think the hotel we went to on our honeymoon had the best food."

"Oh yeah" she says waving her hand. "Yeah that place had the best food, you're right this is second best."

"That was a great honeymoon wasn't it?" I say after a moment's silence.

"It really was" she smiles. "We went skinny dipping then had sex on the beach, remember that?" she asks and I smile.

"Of course, we had such a fun week then" I say.

"It was the best" she smiles.

* * *

><p>After we all met up for dinner and had a nice meal together, we all went to the family area downstairs in the hotel and watched some of the entertainment they had put on. There was meant to be different activities throughout the night starting with children's games then karaoke and other things for the older people when all the children went to bed. We're currently watching a little show that has been put on for the children.<p>

"How about I look after Jake tonight and you can have a drink and stay on here a bit later?" Santana asks Mercedes.

"No it's ok but thank you" Mercedes replies. "I can drink tomorrow night or something."

"Don't be silly, Puck is already half way to being drunk so it's probably best someone else looks after Jake anyway so you might as well have a drink" Santana says.

"Are you sure?" Mercedes asks. "I feel bad because you're not his babysitter."

"Yeah but I'm his cool and fun surrogate aunt" she says smiling.

"Ok if you're honestly sure" Mercedes replies.

"I am so go and get yourself a drink and have fun" Santana tells Mercedes.

"Ok I won't be told twice" Mercedes says before standing up. "Anyone else want a drink?" she asks.

"Can you get another bottle of wine for the table please?" Quinn asks.

"Sure, I'll be back in a minute" Mercedes says before going over to the bar.

"What time do you usually put Jake to bed?" Santana asks Puck.

"It's usually six or seven but since we're on vacation he has been napping before dinner so just make sure he's in bed before nine" he answers.

"Ok cool, I'll leave soon then" Santana replies.

"Can I just say, they better have better entertainment when all the kids leave because this is boring" Sam says, talking about the children's game that is going on over by the stage.

"It will get better later, don't worry" Rachel replies.

* * *

><p>"Say goodnight to your mommy and daddy" Santana says while passing Jake over to Mercedes.<p>

"Are you going to bed now little guy" Puck says while leaning over to see Jake.

"So is all of his stuff in your room?" Santana asks while placing Jake back in his stroller after his parents have said goodnight to him.

"Yeah it's all there. Puck can come up with you to help you take the stuff to your room" Mercedes tells Santana.

"Ok cool, and he has a travel cot I can take into my room" Santana asks.

"He does" Mercedes replies and Santana nods. "Are you sure you don't mind keeping Jake for the night" Mercedes asks.

"Of course not, stop worrying" Santana says.

"Ok well call us if you need us, we'll be down here for a while more" Mercedes says. "And if there are any problems later don't hesitate to bang on our door, we're only next door to your apartment anyway."

"Look Jake and I will be fine so stop worrying" Santana says.

"Plus she has me" I say.

"I do?" Santana asks smiling.

"Well yeah, I'm not going to leave you to look after a one year old yourself" I say.

"Yeah obviously not" I hear Quinn mumble.

"What is your problem?" I ask.

"You that's what, you barely see Santana for two months and now you don't want to leave her side. I mean what is up with that?" she asks.

"I'm not talking to you about this Quinn, I just thought Santana might like the company" I say.

"Santana is a big girl Brittany, she can handle being alone at times" Quinn tells me.

"Look ladies enough, I don't want any arguments because of me. Just stay where you are Brittany, I will be fine" Santana says.

"Do you not want me to come?" I ask.

"No I don't mind if you want to help me look after Jake but I don't want anyone arguing either. All I'm saying is I can handle looking after him on my own but if you want to help then by all means" Santana tells me.

"Ok, I'll go with you" I say standing up and grabbing my purse.

"And Quinn, I know you want to help me but please butt out of Brittany's and my issues, we're working things out or own way so please don't judge how we do it" Santana tells her.

"Ok fine but don't come crying to me when something happens and you need a friend" Quinn says.

"Quinn please, you've been a great friend and I appreciate that but let us do things our way" Santana says and Quinn nods.

"Ok well night everyone" I say before Santana says goodnight to everyone and we head for the elevator with Puck.

"So what's the deal with you two?" Puck asks as we step into the elevator. "Woman and their issues are too complicated for me so are you two back together now or what?" he asks.

"No we're not back together, we are working through our problems as friends" I say.

"Ok but you ladies will get back together right?" he asks.

"Puck let's not talk about this now" I say.

"Ok well just remember, you two have been together the longest and have been through a lot more than any of the rest of us so you can get through this rough patch too so don't give up" Pucks tells us.

"Trust me I'm never giving up on Brittany" Santana states confidently.

As soon as we get out of the elevator we head to Puck's apartment and he lets us in to get some of Jake's things. He then helps up carry everything to our apartment and sets up the travel cot for us.

"Now before I leave ladies, there are some rules" Puck says.

"Which are?" Santana asks sighing.

"I know you two share a room now so no funny business in front of my son…" he says but I need to cut him off.

"Puck enough, we're not in a place where you can joke about things like that. We are going through some serious problems that we want to forget about until we get back home. Santana is my friend, end of story" I say. I know he's only joking but if we get back home and Santana and I find it too hard to overcome what has happened then we might never get back together. I'm staying very hopeful we will but I can't say for sure.

"Ok sorry" he replies.

"Its fine now continue" Santana says.

"Well the rules are: no dressing him up because you think it's cute, no letting him hold his bottle himself because he just spills it down him. Mercedes is trying to teach him how to hold it properly but it's taking time. Also don't use the pink diapers on him, he's a boy and Tina thought it would be funny to buy pink the other day when we asked her to buy us some diapers because he ran out. And lastly but most importantly do not sing to him…I mean it" Puck states and I frown at the last bit.

"Why can't we sing to him?" Santana asks.

"Because Rachel babysat for us a few weeks ago and did nothing but sing show tunes to him and he got upset" Puck says. "I think her voice was too loud and he kept getting a fright so for the moment don't sing to him unless he really can't sleep and it's a nice gentle lullaby."

"Ok you got it, now go away" Santana says pushing Puck out the door.

"Right ok, don't hurt me" he states while pushing Santana's hand off of his arm. "Bye Jake" he manages to get out before Santana slams the door in his face.

"Now Jake, what would you like to do?" Santana asks in a baby voice while picking him up.

"I think he wants to go to sleep, he looks tired" I say.

"He's not tired, that's his trapped wind face" Santana says.

"Lovely" I frown. "Wait how do you know?" I ask.

"Because he does it all the time, he just needs his back rubbed I think" she tells me while walking over to the couch and sitting down. She lays Jake on her lap and gently rubs his back. A few seconds later we start to smell something funny, "Ok that wasn't just gas he had" Santana says laughing.

"Not it" I quickly shout.

"Oh why do I need to change him first" Santana almost whines.

"Because you caused the explosion" I state.

"Fine I'll be back just now" Santana says while taking Jake to change his diaper. A few minutes later she comes back through and Jake is now in his pyjamas. "He's all cleaned up and handsome in his pyjamas now" she says sitting down. After playing with him for a while, we put him down for a sleep before sticking a movie on and watching it together in the living area.

"You are amazing with children" I say smiling.

"Thanks" she returns the smile. "Do you think I would have been a good mom to our daughter?" she asks.

"You would have been the best" I reply.

"We'll be happy again and have kids one day, right?" she asks.

"I hope so" I say.

"I mean together" she clarifies.

"I know and I hope we'll get back to where we were a year ago" I sigh. "Don't ever think I don't want to get back together because I do, just now isn't an appropriate time for us" I tell her.

"It's ok I understand, honestly" I say. "You don't need to keep reminding me."

"Sorry, I tend to do that sometimes. I try to make something clearer by over explaining things that it just ends up more complicated" I state.

"It's ok" she smiles.

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you liked the chapter. Let me know if you want to see anything particular happen in the story. Do you think Santana is the one who needs to prove to Brittany that she still loves her and didn't mean to intentionally hurt her or do you think it's Brittany that has to prove she doesn't blame Santana?<strong>


	7. where do we go from here?

Chapter 7: where do we go from here?

The vacation has been and gone and now we're all back home. I haven't really spoken to Santana much since the day we got back which was Saturday and this is now Wednesday. Everything is ok between us but she's just been so busy with work since she was away for two weeks so she has a lot to catch up on. We're meeting at the house soon so I think we'll talk through a few things then.

As soon as I am ready I drive over to the house and knock on the door once I arrive and have parked up. It's weird because even though it is my house too, I feel I should knock instead of just walking in since I haven't lived there in almost three months.

"Hey in you come" Santana says while opening the door.

"Hey" I say walking inside.

"You didn't have to knock, you could have just came in" she tells me.

"I know but it just feels weird since I haven't been here in so long" I say.

"That's ok so have you eaten?" she asks as we sit down in the living room.

"No I haven't eaten dinner yet" I reply.

"Good" she smiles. "I've made dinner for us."

"Ok cool" I say.

"I thought we could have dinner first and then talk about the situation now we're back home" she suggests.

"Yeah maybe we should straighten out a few issues" I tell her.

"Ok well you stay here and I'll get dinner organised and then we can talk" she says before going to the kitchen.

Santana was away for about ten minutes finishing off dinner while I stayed in the living room. I didn't know what to do with myself while I waited so I just sat quietly on the couch thinking about some stuff. Just as I looked out of the window I caught the photograph above the fireplace out of the corner of my eye. I couldn't help but let a tear roll down my cheek at the sight because it was a picture of the two of us on our wedding day and we looked so happy. I want us so bad to be back in that place but I just don't know if either of us is ready yet.

"And dinner is served" Santana says placing a tray in my lap.

"Really?" I ask laughing. "This is dinner?"

"Yeah" she shrugs but smiles.

"You made me beans on toast for dinner" I state while smiling back.

"Well what do you expect, I'm a lousy cook" she says laughing. "Have you forgotten about all the disasters I had in the kitchen?"

"I haven't actually, that lasagne you made is still haunting me to this day" I tell her. "Every time I look at that chair over there it reminds me of sitting on it eating the lasagne and then having to make a mad rush to the bathroom."

"Oh come on, surely not" she says laughing.

"I'm only kidding but you are right, I haven't forgotten about the disasters" I tell her.

"So will this suffice or would you like me to make you something else?" she asks.

"No it's fine" I say. "You can sit down now" I tell her and she sits down next to me with her tray.

"By the way there is ice cream in the freezer so if you are hungry for more food then we can have that" she tells me.

"My-my, this house has changed since I left" I say. "I was never allowed ice cream because you didn't like it and now you've got some in the freezer" I tease.

"What can I say? You made me realise my love for ice cream again when we were on vacation" she smirks.

"I'm glad I helped" I say before beginning to eat.

As soon as we were done eating, Santana cleared up and joined me in the living room again. We figured there is no point in putting our conversation off any longer so we got right to it. Everything is going ok so far so I just hope things will be kept civilised and we don't get angry. We decided to just start from the beginning and talk about our issues.

"I remember that car accident as if it were yesterday and that's what hurts so much" I tell her.

"Yeah I know, me too" she replies. "It was such a dramatic time for us and it's hard to forget."

"I remember screaming when I saw you lying there unconscious, I thought I lost you forever" I tell her.

Flashback – Friday 25th October 2013

_"__Date night here we come" Santana says cheerily as we pull out of the drive in her car. _

_"__Yep I'm so excited" I say just as happily as Santana. "We missed last week because you weren't feeling great so I'm ready for this date night" I tell her. Every Friday is our date night but with Santana being pregnant at the moment, sometimes we miss out like last week so we're looking forward to this evening. _

_"__Can I just say, you are killing it tonight with how you're dressed" she tells me smiling. _

_"__Thanks for the compliment baby but eyes on the road not me" I tell her. _

_"__They are on the road, don't worry" she reassures me. I was only kidding her on anyway, she has always been a careful driver. "Hey can I ask a question babe?" she asks. _

_"__Of course, fire away" I say with a nod for her to continue. _

_"__Do you think once our little girl is here, we'll stop Friday date nights?" she asks. _

_"__Well I don't want us to because it is important to still have time together as a married couple but obviously with a child everything will be different. We could maybe change it to Friday family night or wait a bit until she's older and have dates nights every now and again while one of our parent's look after her" I reply. _

_"__Yeah that's what I was thinking" she says. "Oh while we're on the subject of our daughter we really should sort out a name because I don't like saying 'she' and 'her' all the time."_

_"__Yeah I agree" I say. _

_"__What about naming her after my mom or your mom?" Santana suggests. _

_"__Mm I don't know" I say. "I always thought our kids middle names would be after their grandparents" I say. _

_"__Ok fair enough" she replies. "What about something unique?" she asks. _

_"__I wanted something more traditional" I say. _

_"__God you don't like anything I suggest" she says laughing. _

_"__No I do babe" I tell her. _

_"__I'm only joking, I'm sure we'll come to a mutual decision" she tells me. _

_"__What about Katelyn?" I suggest. _

_"__Huh" she says while thinking. "That's not too bad a name."_

* * *

><p><em>"<em>_You go baby" I say laughing as Santana belts out Whitney Houston's 'I wanna dance with somebody' along with the radio. _

_"__I love that song, remember we sang it in glee club just after we started dating?" she asks. _

_"__Yeah I remember" I say smiling at the fond memory. _

_"__Hey look at that crib in the window over there, our baby needs to have that" I tell Santana as we stop at a red light. _

_"__What window?" Santana asks looking around. _

_"__The one over there to your left, it is so cute but yet modern" I say. _

_"__Oh yeah that is nice" Santana agrees. "But we've already picked out a crib babe" she tells me. _

_"__So, we can buy another one for her or just keep it for the next one" I reply. _

_"__Next one?" she asks in mock surprise. "Slow down baby, let me get through this pregnancy first."_

_"__Oh come on, like you don't want a whole bunch of kids" I say. _

_"__Yes I want more than one child but we're still young so there's plenty of time so let me get through this pregnancy first" she tells me and I nod. _

_"__Oh babe it's a green light" I tell her. We were too busy talking we didn't realise the green light came on for us to go. _

_"__I'm really hungry, are you?" she asks as we start driving again. _

_"__Yeah" I say before seeing lights out of the corner of my eye. "BABE WATCH OUT!" I scream before the car is thrown in the air and we are bouncing along the road. As soon as the car stops it lands on its side before falling over and settling properly on the ground on its wheels. I look over at Santana and see no movement. "Babe can you hear me?" I say panicking. "Santana don't do this, you're going to be ok so stay with me." I quickly call the emergency services while trying to wake Santana. After a few minutes I hear a groan. _

_"__My…" she tries to talk but she can't make a proper sentence because she keep falling in and out of consciousness. _

_"__It's ok you don't need to talk, I'm going to get you out of here" I tell her. _

_"__I love…I love…" she tries to talk again. _

_"__It's ok babe, I know" I tell her. "And I love you too" I say with a small smile. _

_"__Brittany I'm…" she gets out before falling unconscious again. _

_"__Santana stay with me!" I shout. "You have to stay awake for me baby" I tell her before quickly getting out of the car at my side. I run round to her side and manage to open the door after giving it some force. I want to get her out of the car so bad but I'm too afraid to move her in case she's got back and neck injuries. "Babe please open your eyes, you've been unconscious for way too long now sweetheart" I tell her after a few minutes. I can hear her breathing slightly which is a good sign I suppose but I just want the ambulance to hurry up. _

End of flashback

"Hey are you ok?" Santana asks me.

"Yeah sorry I was just thinking back to the accident" I say.

"Yeah, so was I for a second although there are parts I don't know what happen, I presume I was unconscious at the time" she says. "I remember being in the car trying to tell you I love you and that I was bleeding then next thing I know, I'm in hospital and you're telling me they have to deliver the baby."

"Yeah as soon as you told me you loved me you fell unconscious but didn't regain consciousness for a long time after" I say. "You have to know Santana I didn't take the decision lightly" I tell her.

"I know" she says.

"I really did take time to think maybe the baby could survive the last two months inside of you but then the doctors started saying the placenta abruption was so severe so I knew the best option for both of you was to deliver the baby" I say. "In the end, it actually turned out that the placenta was barely attached so there was no hope for survival if the baby wasn't delivered."

"Brittany I know, ok" she tells me. "I realise what you did was for the best. It wasn't that I doubted you, I just used that as an excuse. I knew all along baby that you didn't do anything wrong, it's just with everything and my mental state, it caused me to blame you."

"I appreciate you reassuring me that you didn't intentionally blame me but like I said before, the hurt doesn't go away any quicker" I tell her.

"I know you keep saying it's hard to forgive something like this but you have to understand Brittany, that person wasn't me" she says. "I would never ever intentionally hurt you like that, I was ill."

"I know and I'm not saying you weren't going through lots of stuff but at the end of the day I was still blamed for what happened and that is the most awful feeling in the world. No matter whether you meant it or not I still felt hurt and unloved" I tell her honestly.

"I always loved you, I just didn't think I was worthy of your love or I should be allowed to love you for what I did to you. I didn't think I deserved someone as good as you" she tells me.

"The issue isn't how you treated me, the issue is that one thing you said to me" I tell her. "You could have called me any name you wanted and I wouldn't have gave a shit but telling me I killed my daughter was the cruellest thing anyone has ever said to me."

"Brittany that wasn't me" Santana says angrily.

"I know, calm down ok. I'm not finished speaking" I tell her.

"It is not you I am targeting when I say this. I am trying to tell you that I am hurt because someone said I killed my daughter. I know you weren't in your right frame of mind then and I get that but I still got called a killer by someone which is hard to get over" I say. "I don't blame you because I understand, I am just struggling to get over the fact that those words 'you killed my baby' were said to me. Do you understand what I am saying?" I ask.

"Yes, you can't get over being called a killer but you get I didn't mean it" she says and I nod.

"It's the accusation rather than the person who said it that hurts" I say.

"I don't mind if you blame me a little bit though, I mean if I hadn't blamed anyone then none of this would have happened" she tells me.

"Ok stop there a second, our break up wasn't because of you. It was both of us" I say. "I should have probably put my foot down sooner and maybe things wouldn't have gotten so out of hand. I was too afraid to call you out on how you treated me because I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I felt you were going through enough heartache that if I said anything you might get worse" I tell her.

"You shouldn't have had to put up with that. I couldn't see what I was doing to you that's how I didn't stop" she tells me. "You were hurting just as much as me so part of me wishes you threatened to leave sooner and that way I might have got my ass into gear and went to therapy quicker. Make no mistake, I'm not saying what you did was wrong, I'm just saying it may have helped. I certainly could have done things differently to not let things go to the extent they did" she says.

"These are all ifs and buts aren't they but perhaps we should focus on the future from now on. Nothing can change the past but we can change how we want the future to happen" I tell her.

"I know but don't you think we need to dip into the past to deal with our issues to make sure things don't happen again?" she asks.

"Maybe you're right" I say.

We talk over some things for a while more. I just want to move on from the past now because I want this feeling of hurt and anger to be over. I hate being reminded of everything bad that happened because it just gets me upset and I don't want to be upset anymore.

"Do you know how hard it was for me in therapy?" she asks.

"No I don't because I was never allowed to go. You never wanted therapy when I was around so how can I know how hard it was" I say, I suppose it was unnecessary.

"Are you intentionally trying to make me cry?" she asks.

"I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated with this whole thing" I tell her.

"I am trying so hard to help you understand what I went through but bringing things up about the past that aren't necessary isn't making matters better" she tells me. "I know I said we need to talk about certain things but that wasn't relevant."

"Wait a second" I say. "I've got an idea."

"About what?" she asks.

"Let me come to therapy with you" I say. "I want to be there for you and know what happened from your perspective so maybe this is how I can really get a feel for what you went through."

"That would mean a lot to me" she says with a small smile.

"Ok so when is your next therapy session?" I ask.

"It's Monday at four o'clock, do you think you can make it?" she asks.

"Yeah that should be fine" I tell her.

"Maybe going to therapy could help you too" she says. "Maybe it will help you get through the hurt you feel right now" she suggests.

"Yeah maybe you're right, maybe that's what I need" I tell her.

"And maybe if things work out then we could keep seeing the therapist for marriage counselling" Santana suggests.

"We could but I think we'll be ok once we sort ourselves. I know we are going to work out our individual problems but I think being there together will be like marriage counselling so we might not need it. I tell her. "But if you think it will help then I am willing to do it" I say.

"I just don't want us going and working on individual things that we forget how they connect together. It's fine saying we're going to sort out my things and we're going to give you a sense of how to overcome the hurt you feel but where does that fit in with each other we have to work on" she says.

"Santana as soon as I get rid of this feeling, I'm right there for you" I say.

"You're not getting me, I want us to change as individuals but I don't want us to change too much that we're not the people we married" she tells me.

"Ok fair enough but I believe as soon as my issues are sorted then I'm the same woman you married" I say.

"Let's walk before we can run ok, sort out our own personal problems together and then see how we feel" she tells me.

"Ok that sounds like a plan to me" I say. We're silence for a few moments before I speak up again. "I want you to do something with me tonight to prove we're still united in marriage so to speak even though we are battling some issues" I say.

"Brittany having sex isn't a good idea" she tells me seriously.

"I never asked you to have sex" I say laughing. "What made you think I was talking about sex?"

"Well other than emotionally close, which we're trying to work on, you can't get any closer to your wife than by having sex" she says.

"Ok fair point but I had another idea in mind that would show that even though we are battling some stuff, we're still a partnership" I say. "And it wasn't necessarily to prove to ourselves, it was someone else."

"Who?" she asks.

"Look please can you just come somewhere with me?" I ask.

"Yeah of course, let me just get my shoes first" she says before quickly grabbing her heels and slipping them on.

"Oh uh heels wouldn't be the best footwear" I say.

"I can't be bothered changing shoes so whoever sees us can take me as I come" she replies.

"Fine but don't say I didn't warn you" I say before we leave.

* * *

><p>"Urgh, fuck's sake" Santana groans while we walk through the grass linking arms. Santana's heels kept getting stuck in the grass a few minutes ago so she ended up having to hold onto me to keep herself up.<p>

"Language Santana, remember where we are" I warn her.

"Whatever" she says while dramatically lifting her foot off the ground, I guess her heel stuck in the grass again. "You really should have warned me" she says annoyed but it's more of a cute annoyed moment than a real annoyed one if that makes sense.

"What did I say as we were leaving?" I laugh. "I said 'don't say I didn't warn you' so don't pretend I didn't" I tell her, still laughing.

"You should be fucking carrying me, you never made it clear we would need to walk through grass" she tells me.

"Santana will you watch your language" I warn her.

"I'm sorry" she says in the least sincere voice ever.

"Santana?" I say.

"No I am sorry, I'm just really frustrated that's all. I don't mean to be disrespectful" she tells me and I nod. A few minutes later we have reached the destination. We stand on the edge of the path with grass separating us and the one of the most precious things we have.

**Katelyn Elizabeth Lopez**

**25****th****October 2013**

_You were only with us for a matter of minutes _

_but we'll cherish them forever. _

_Rest in peace, we love you lots angel._

Mama and Mommy

XX

"I wanted us to come here tonight and show our daughter that no matter what happens, you and I will always be a partnership" I say. "She doesn't need to know about the struggles we go through but I want her to know nothing can ever split us completely."

"I agree" Santana replies, I can tell her by her voice that she is almost in tears.

"Hey, it's ok to cry" I say while placing my arm around her.

"I know" she says trying to wipe away the tears so I just put my arm round her tighter to comfort her.


	8. Therapy

Chapter 8: Therapy

We've just arrived at Santana's therapy session and I've got to say I'm a little nervous. I've never been to therapy before plus I'm not used to talking to strangers about my feelings so it's also embarrassing. I know we need to do it though so I will stay even though I'm starting to get uncomfortable.

"Good afternoon Santana" the therapist says.

"Hi" Santana replies quietly.

"This must be your wife" the therapist says while shaking my hand. "I'm Jane."

"Hi and yeah I'm Santana's wife, Brittany" I reply.

"Ok well ladies how about you take a seat and we'll get started" she tells us and we all sit down. Santana and I are sitting next to one another on the couch while Jane is sitting on the chair in front of us. "So is this your first time at therapy?" she asks me.

"Yeah" I say quietly.

"Ok well I just want to get a feel for how you think things are at the moment between you and Santana" she tells me.

"I mean I think they're ok but not brilliant" I start off. "I mean we're definitely friends again which is really good and we both agree we need to be here to sort out some issues" I say.

"Ok, I understand" she says.

"My heart says get back together right now but my head says be patient and work things through" I tell Jane.

"Well that is understandable but I think you are right, I think things need to be worked on before anything" Jane tells me. "What do you think are the main issues you need to sort out before getting back together?" she asks.

"Well I still feel hurt and I want to get past that. It's not necessarily hurt by Santana but more about the accusation in general. I know Santana didn't mean it when she said it but like I have told her a million times, being called a killer is not a nice feeling whatsoever" I reply.

"I get that but you have to also remember that Santana feels like that to, she didn't just say that to you. She was saying that to herself for a while" Jane says.

"I'm not stupid" I snap. "I know Santana feels like that too but is it not time that someone understands I need help as well. I'm not saying I am any more special or anything but I need help too and no one understands that. Santana's best friend thinks I'm the bad guy because I couldn't understand from Santana's point of view what she was going through. She thinks I should be more compassionate towards Santana and I know that I need to be sometimes but for the love of god can't someone see what it's doing to me too" I say. I don't know where all that came from but suddenly something just snapped inside of me and I let it all out.

"It's ok Brittany, just take a minute to calm down" Jane tells me.

"No one seems to understand how much it kills me to say I only want to be friends with her. I am telling you right now I want to be with her more than ever but I have to fight that feeling because I know it can't happen. I know if I moved back into the house right now it wouldn't be good for either of us" I tell Jane.

"You want to be with me right now?" Santana asks shocked.

"Obviously I do" I say. "I'm not some white board that can erase everything, my feelings and love for you will never go away and that's why it makes things a thousand times harder. I know you didn't mean any of the things you did back then but because I'm so in love with you, I let you hurt me even more and I stayed with you. I should have moved out but I kept pretending we could work things out on our own" I say.

"Brittany don't blame yourself, the only way for Santana to get better was to come here so no matter how long you stayed or didn't stay, the only way to solve this was to come to therapy so don't dwell on the past" Jane tells me.

"Ok" I nod.

"I assume you haven't talked all of this through before because Santana looks shocked right now" Jane says.

"Yeah she never told me the stuff about Quinn or how she really felt. I didn't realise it was as deep as that" Santana says.

"I don't need pity, I need help because the longer this goes on the more I go insane and I just want my old life back. I want to be happy again" I say.

"Let's just start from the beginning and take things slowly" Jane says. "We did that when Santana first came here and it seemed to help" she states.

"Ok" I nod. "I just don't want this to feel like a wasted session today though" I say.

"It took Santana a few therapy sessions to really realise what was happening so all we're saying is that it's ok if it takes time" Jane says.

"Exactly" Santana agrees.

"I don't want it to take time, I want things back to normal" I state.

"And they can be if we get through this properly" Santana reassures me.

"Ok" I say.

"Like Jane said, it took me some time to finally realise things so it might take you time so don't get disheartened" Santana tells me.

"I won't" I say with a small smile. "So how did you work through everything, I mean what happened at your therapy sessions?" I ask Santana.

"Well…" she starts off.

* * *

><p>A few months ago – Santana's POV<p>

_"__How do you feel Santana?" my therapist asks me and I glare._

_"__How the fuck do you think I feel. My daughter is dead when she should be alive and well" I spit._

_"__Tell me your exact feelings" the therapist says patiently._

_"__I'm angry and upset. Why did my child die and why did my wife let it happen?" I say. "I should be going on walks with my baby or bathing her at night not alone in my house without her. I was on the verge of having something amazing but then it got ripped away from me in the cruellest way possible, by my own wife of all people."_

_"__What makes you think what happened was your wife's fault?" the therapist asks. _

_"__She killed my baby" I respond. "Did you not read my notes?"_

_"__I did but I want your version of events, there's a side to every story and I want to hear yours" the therapist says calmly. "If you are able to do so, I want you to tell me everything you remember from being pregnant until this moment."_

_"__Our car crashed and next thing I know we're at the hospital and the doctor is saying they're going to deliver the baby. I thought at the time it had to be done but then I realised a few months later that the doctor gave Brittany a choice between delivering the baby or not" I say. _

_"__Ok, I understand" Jane nods. _

_"__I found out that Brittany chose straight away for the baby to be delivered without even thinking about what I wanted. I didn't realise there was a choice but if there was Brittany should have known I didn't want the baby delivered early" I say. _

_"__So you blame Brittany because you think she should have knew you didn't want your baby delivered early?" Jane asks me. _

_"__Yes exactly that. Brittany knew it would literally tear me apart having our baby premature and that's exactly what happened" I tell her. _

_"__Did you ever think Brittany might have did this for the best? Did you ever think maybe she thought that was the best option?" Jane asks. _

_"__It wasn't the best option though, that's the problem" I say. _

_"__Maybe you think that but Brittany might think in a different way from you so did you ever think from her perspective that maybe she thought what she was doing was the right thing?" she asks. _

_"__Are you saying I'm wrong and Brittany was right?" I say angrily. _

_"__I'm not judging anyone or saying who is wrong or right, I'm just asking if you ever thought maybe Brittany did what she thought was best even though you disagree with what she did" Jane replies. _

* * *

><p><em>A few weeks later<em>

_"__I'm going to show you a series of pictures Santana and I want to ask you a few questions about them, is that ok" the therapist asks and I nod._

_"__Sure" is my verbal response. Jane then places a picture of a car in front of me._

_"__What do you see in this picture?" Jane asks and I tell her I see a car. "What do you notice about the car?" I then go on to say that it is bashed and missing paint at the front. "What do you think happened, taking into account the state of the car and the external surroundings of the environment?"_

_I scrutinise the picture, picking up on the bashed car, an emergency vehicle in the distance and someone trying to open the car. "I think there has been an accident" I say, describing what I see. "The car has crashed into this tree and someone has phoned 911 as there is emergency vehicles approaching as well as someone stuck in the car."_

_"__Very good. What about this picture?" Jane says._

_"__It looks like a hospital" I reply before Jane shows me another picture which clearly shows an unconscious women lying on the bed. "Is she pregnant?" I ask but Jane just tells me to say what I see so I look closer. "Oh my….that's my wife. Why is there a picture of my wife unconscious and pregnant on a fucking hospital bed? She can't get fucking pregnant, what is this sort of sick game."_

_"__Santana calm down. Take a deep breath and describe this scene to me" Jane says before placing yet another photograph next to the one of Brittany on the bed. This time there's a picture of me holding a baby and then another picture of me is placed down, this time holding a young infant, then another picture appears with me, a young child and a 7__th__birthday cake. "Who do you think the child is?"_

_"__My daughter" I say smiling at the endearing photos of me and the child, smiling lovingly at one another._

_"__Do you see anything missing from the picture?" Jane asks._

_"__Brittany obviously but I am guessing she is taking the photograph" I say but Jane shakes her head. "If she's not taking the photograph then where is…" I go to ask but then see a picture of a grave stone, reading:_

_'__Brittany Lopez_

_Loving daughter, mother and wife of Santana Lopez._

_Sadly stole from us but never forgotten._

_In peace with the angels._

_"__This is disgusting. Take it away from me" I shout as I throw the picture away. "I came here for help not to be treated like this, this is absolutely absurd" I say crying._

_"__Brittany died from a haemorrhage after giving birth" Jane says. "Because of the car accident and the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy and take it to full term then the risk of Brittany's health got higher. The baby just survived but they couldn't do anything to save Brittany."_

_"__But…" I go to talk but I'm interrupted by Jane. _

_"__After the accident it was near enough impossible for Brittany and the baby to both survive. Having an emergency C-section would have lowered the baby's chance of survival considerably but would have saved your wife" Jane says. "I know you were dealt a very cruel hand after your accident because no matter what decision you made there would always been a great deal of hurt following it."_

_"__Why didn't I fight for Brittany's safety" I ask. "I wanted this daughter so much but not at the cost of my wife's life. I should have picked to save her, I wanted a baby with Brittany not a baby and no Brittany" I say. _

_"__Would it have been your fault if the baby died because you picked to put Brittany's safety and health at the forefront?" Jane asks._

_"__No, it would have been my fault the baby died because I was driving the car when it crashed. The same way that it is my fault that Brittany and I do not have a daughter right now."_

_"__Your fault?" Jane asks._

_"__Yes. MY FAULT. I killed my own baby" I say before breaking down. "Brittany's done nothing wrong, she saved my life and wouldn't have had to pick between me and our daughter had I not crashed that car. Our child is dead because of me, not Brittany, ME."_

_"__You thought it was Brittany's fault though" Jane says._

_"__I didn't" I say crying. "It wasn't her fault, it was mine. I was too ashamed to admit that everything that happened was because of me" I say, bawling and sobbing. "Our baby is dead because of me and I blamed my own wife because I couldn't face up to my own mistakes. I'm a horrible person" I finish off before screaming. "Why did I blame Brittany? I've ruined everything, I don't deserve to be alive right now because of what I've done. I killed my baby and blamed my wife. That makes me sick."_

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><p>Brittany's POV<p>

"Wow, I had no idea that's how you came to the realisation" I say, shocked at the whole story they just told me.

"Yeah" Santana nods.

"I'm slightly confused though, did you realise you were blaming me all along or did you only find out because Jane worked it out?" I ask. "What you said there made it seem like you were ashamed but knew what you were doing, however what I thought was you were unaware of what you were doing and didn't realise the issue until Jane said something."

"It was kind of both, I knew in the back of my mind that I blamed myself but because I pretended it was your fault I sort of trained my mind into that so I forgot" Santana replies.

"You forgot?" I raise my eyebrow. "How can you forget something this big?"

"Well no, look I am so bad at explaining things" she tells me. "Isn't the important part that we both know what we feel and want to move on? You and I both know in my right mind there is no way I could hurt you like I did" she says.

"I guess, it's just a lot to take in" I say. "Maybe we've had enough for today."

"You're probably right Brittany, perhaps we should leave the rest for another session" Jane says. "Now if you want I can schedule you both to come in twice a week if you wish or you can continue with just the once a week" Jane tells us.

"Well maybe we could come twice but only go together once and have a single session the other day" I suggest.

"I can do that if you want" Jane replies. "We could keep the Monday sessions for the two of you and both of you can pick which day suits you to come yourself" she says.

"Ok, well a Thursday suits me after school sometime" I say.

"I can come any day after work" Santana says.

"Ok well let me check my schedule and see what times we have free" Jane says while looking at her computer. After a bit back and forth Santana and I both get our therapy sessions booked in.

"I'll see you both next time" Jane says while shaking our hands before we leave. We say our goodbyes and then exit the room.

"So how do you feel after that today" Santana asks as we walk to our cars.

"Ok I think" I say. "Some things do seem a lot clearer and I think if we keep working hard we'll get there."

"Yeah me too" she replies. "I am so glad we were able to both be there today and work through some issues. I do know it'll take time but knowing you think we'll be able to work things out makes me feel better about things."

"Good, I'm glad" I smile.

"Hey do you want to come back to the house for dinner?" Santana asks. "My mom made her homemade lasagne the other day and she brought over a dish for me but there's too much so you're welcome to share."

"Hmm…I don't know" I say.

"I'm not going to jump on you if that's what you think, I know we're still friends" Santana states.

"I know that and that's not why I'm hesitant" I say. "I sort of promised Mercedes and Tina that I'd meet with them to tell them how the therapy session went."

"Oh really" she says. If I'm not mistaken, she looks angry. "Do you tell Mercedes and Tina everything about us?" she asks.

"Not everything but I did promise to let them know how today went" I say.

"I can't believe you" Santana scoffs. "You hated when Quinn said anything to you but now I find out you tell Mercedes and Tina stuff. You're being contradictory Brittany because why can't I tell Quinn anything but you can tell Mercedes and Tina?" she asks.

"Santana that's not the situation and you know it" I say. "I didn't mind you confiding in Quinn but the difference is Mercedes and Tina were there for me but never had a bad word to say to you whereas Quinn hurt me" I tell her.

"Quinn was only worried about me because she's never seen me so out of control before but she didn't mean to hurt you" Santana says. "I spoke to her and we talked everything through, she was just so scared that I'd fall back in a depressive state if you and I fought anymore or had any other issues to deal with. She never meant to hurt you, she just couldn't handle me going back to that awful emotional place" she tells me.

"Ok well I sort of get that but you can't compare that to me talking to my best friends" I say.

"Don't you sometimes think part of our problem is other people getting involved?" she asks. "Maybe things would work out better if it was just us that knew what really went on. I mean I'm not saying don't talk to your friends at all but perhaps we shouldn't let them get too involved" she says and I think she might have a point.

"Yeah maybe you're right" I say. "Actually I'm going to call Mercedes and Tina and tell them that it went fine but I'm busy tonight so I can't meet with them anymore."

"Busy as in you're going to come to dinner?" Santana asks hopefully.

"Yeah, I'm going to come to dinner" I say with a smile.

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><p><strong>Let me know what you think. It's sort of took a different direction to what I had planned but if people are still interested in the story then I'll continue to update. <strong>


	9. Normal again

Thanks for the reviews, follows and favs. I'm glad people are still interested in the story.

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><p>Chapter 9: 'Normal' again<p>

Santana and I have been going to therapy for a few weeks now both separately and together and I think things are working out not too bad. I have definitely got to the bottom of my issues and I think Santana has too so I'm hoping things can get back on track now. I was thinking of asking Santana to hang out sometime this week so we could have fun and talk. I don't necessarily want to talk about our issues or anything because I think we've done that enough, I was more thinking we could try to reconnect again and just enjoy our time together.

"Hey do you want to go ten-pin bowling with me on Saturday night" I cheerily ask Santana.

"Bowling?" Santana questions. "But you hate bowling so why would you want to go? I mean didn't you say it was for the younger generation not people in their mid-twenties" she asks.

"Ok yes I hate it but my wife doesn't so that's why I want to know if she wants to go" I reply. "So do you want to go?"

"I don't know, I'm conflicted" she sighs. "I mean on one hand I want to go because it's usually fun but on the other hand I don't want to go because you hate it so you'll be miserable. I don't want you sitting bored all night because it'll make me sad that you're not enjoying yourself" she tells me.

"But I won't be miserable if I have you. If you're having a good time and having fun then I'll be happy" I say smiling.

"Are you sure you really wouldn't mind?" she asks.

"Of course not" I reply. "It's about time we had fun and did things that weren't involving therapy or talking about our issues. I want us to get back to where we used to be when we were happy" I tell her.

"Ok well I'm for it then" Santana says. "Just let me know the time and place and I'll meet you there" she says.

"Actually I was going to drive us both there and when we're done maybe we could get something to eat" I suggest.

"Ok that suits me" she replies. "What time will you pick me up?" she asks.

"Around 6:30pm" I answer. "I booked us a slot for 7pm so we should get there just a little before to get our shoes and things" I tell her.

"Oh you have already organised it" she raises an eyebrow playfully. "Were you that sure that I would say yes so you went ahead and booked it before asking me" she teases.

"Well I didn't think you'd be able to resist" I say. "You've never been able to resist me before, have you?" I smirk.

"I suppose that's true" she smiles. "So is this a casual date since we're going bowling or should I have something fancy prepared to wear when we go out for dinner?" she asks.

"No it's just a casual date" I tell her. "We can wait until another night to do the whole fancy restaurant thing where we need to dress up" I say.

"Ok cool, no problem. I'm excited now" she says smiling.

* * *

><p>"You're so adorable right now" I tell Santana as she happily struts across the parking lot towards the building we're going into for the bowling.<p>

"I would usually complain about being called adorable but now I can take it because I am so excited" she replies.

"I can see you're excited" I say smiling while trying to keep up with her. As soon as we arrive inside we go over to the reception desk and tell the man behind the counter the name that we booked the session under. We then swap our shoes and start to make our way over to our bowling alley.

"Oh we're over here" Santana says leading the way and I follow.

"I feel like we're the oldest people here" I groan as I look around us. I know I said I was happy to go since it would make Santana happy but the minute we walked over here, all I saw was a bunch of people younger than me. "Oh god, they're all staring at us now" I say with another groan.

"They are only staring because you are drawing attention to yourself by groaning like that. You maybe shouldn't have been so loud and no one would have heard you" Santana tells me. "Also there are loads of people older than us here so you're being paranoid" she says.

"What? You never heard someone complain before?" I say to some girl who was just glaring at me. She must be only fourteen or something.

"Brittany!" Santana says quickly, scolding me. "Come with me right now" she says while pulling my arm and dragging me to the side away from the girl.

"My arm Santana" I say immaturely. "That hurt" I instantly frown.

"Oh don't be so silly, now come on let's go to the bowling alley we were assigned" she says while pulling on my arm again. "Honey just ignore everyone and focus on the game. You're a sore loser so I doubt you want me to beat you" she says smiling.

"I think you mean that the other way around" I tell her. It's no secret that Santana is the one who hates losing so I have to watch how I play sometimes otherwise she gets mad.

"I admit I am competitive but I'm not a sore loser. If someone is better than me then I'll accept it" she says.

"Ok whatever you say" I smile. Not two seconds later and we reach the bowling alley. "Oh they have put your name up first on the screen so you must need to bowl first" I tell Santana just as I notice the screen above us with our names on it.

"Ok it's fine by me" she says while picking up a bowling ball.

"Honey don't you want something a bit lighter to hold, you look like your struggling" I say when I notice she is finding it hard to hold the ball in one hand. "Hey this one looks a little lighter" I say picking up a different ball of a different colour.

"But I like this one, its blue" she replies. "Plus you know I hate pink Brittany so why would you even suggest it?" she asks.

"Duh! Because it's lighter, I just said that" I say playfully. "No seriously though, don't you want something a little lighter?" I ask.

"No I'll be fine with this one, just you focus on picking the correct weight for yourself" she says getting into competitive mode. "I need to concentrate now Britt, so no talking ok?" she says and I nod. She then takes her place behind the line and practices swinging the bowl in her hand before she finally lets the ball go with some force. I don't mean to laugh but the ball is clearly too heavy because she stumbled when she let it go and it instantly hit the side and went into the gutter.

"Do not even say a word, I did that deliberately" she tells me. "I was just having a bit of a practice with how hard to hit" she says.

"I wasn't going to say anything but remember you have another shot right now" I say when I notice her sitting down.

"Oh right…yeah" she says embarrassingly before standing up and grabbing a ball. She immediately goes for a slightly lighter ball this time. As soon as she rolls this one, she knocks down eight of the pins.

"Not bad honey" I say genuinely before standing up to grab a ball to take my turn. I don't know how I managed it but I got a strike. "Hey did you see that?" I ask excitedly. I actually think it might be fun tonight.

"Yeah I saw it but don't get too happy, I'll be winning in no time. Just you watch" Santana tells me while getting ready to take her next turn.

"Aren't you happy for me, I never get a strike when we go bowling?" I ask while sitting down.

"I guess" she shrugs. "I need to concentrate though Britt so no talking remember" she says before turning around to roll the ball. This time it rolls straight down the middle and hits all the pins over.

"Well done" I say while hugging her when she comes back over to the seats.

"Thanks" she replies. "It was pretty easy to do though" she says a little too arrogantly but I know it's only the competitive nature in her.

"Well I hope I can play just as good as you" I say to butter her up slightly but she realises what I'm doing so she doesn't take much notice. I then just take my shot but I could only manage to get nine pins down in the two shots. "Hey why don't I get us some drinks while you take your next shot?" I suggest.

"Ok ba…Britt" she says correcting herself at the end. I'm pretty sure she was going to say babe but quickly changed it to Britt when she realised. I wouldn't complain if she did call me babe though, I mean things are going well now so I suppose we are acting like how we used to when we were together and happy.

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><p>"I hate bowling" Santana huffs as we leave the building. I totally just whipped her at bowling tonight and she is not happy at all. After a first shaky round Santana was well in the lead for a while but then something happened and the last 4 rounds she played poorly and I was pretty good. I didn't win by much really but I love teasing her and saying I won by a significant margin.<p>

"Come on you love bowling" I smirk.

"Well I very much hate it now" she says in a childish voice. "We are never going bowling again, I mean it" she adds in a slightly annoyed tone.

"Ok whatever you say" I nod. There is no point arguing with Santana right now, especially when she's annoyed because I wanted tonight to be fun, I didn't want Santana to be unhappy. "So we're still on for getting something to eat now, right?" I ask to make sure she still wants to hang out.

"Of course" she smiles slightly but I know she's still pissed at losing. "You have to pay though" she tells me and I laugh.

"Ok I'll pay" I smile. We then make our way over to my car and drive off. "I had somewhere in mind for us to go to eat but if you have somewhere you'd like to go then we can go there, I don't mind" I tell Santana.

"No we can go to wherever you planned" she says quietly.

After a nice dinner together at one of my favourite restaurants I take Santana back to her place. Well technically it's my place too but I'm not living there right now so for the moment it's just her place.

"So tonight went well, don't you think?" Santana asks as I pull up into the driveway.

"I definitely do, I had fun" I say while turning to face her. "I was thinking since everything went well then maybe we could go out again sometime, perhaps this week" I suggest.

"Yeah I'm totally up for that, how about we go to the cinema. I know there are a lot of movies out right now that you wanted to see" Santana replies.

"Ok that sounds cool, I'm totally on board" I say. "What day do you want to go out?" I ask.

"Well Wednesday would suit me fine but I don't mind really" she replies.

"Wednesday is good for me so let's make it then" I tell her.

"Cool, I will go inside then and see you on Wednesday" Santana says while unfastening her seatbelt.

"Ok well no doubt I'll speak to you before Wednesday but take care anyway" I tell her.

"I will, have a good night Britt" she says while kissing my cheek.

"Thanks, I'll try" I smile. "Night Santana" I say before she exits the car and heads inside. Once she gives me a small wave I then head back to my parent's house.

* * *

><p>We went to the cinema on Wednesday night and we had a really good time. I forgot how much fun it is to just sit back and watch a movie with Santana where there are no distractions or nosy friends around. I mean I love my friends but I love quality time with my wife more where we can be alone and just hang out. We're now having dinner together since its Friday and Fridays used to be our date nights.<p>

"Brittany" Santana says to get my attention so I turn to look at her and smile. "Can I ask a question?" she says nervously.

"Of course" I smile again.

"What are we?" she asks while slightly shrugging her shoulders. "What is it we're doing right now?"

"We are two hot women eating dinner and talking" I state jokingly but judging by the seriousness of Santana's face I know she doesn't find it amusing. "Um…I'm not sure what you're asking" I say slightly confused.

"I mean what are we to each other?" she says. "Are we friends, enemies, wives, girlfriends, just dating or what?" she asks and I have to take a moment to think. I'm not entirely sure what we are at the minute but I do know I enjoy hanging out with Santana and we've had fun lately. "What I can say is we're definitely not enemies" I say and she nods. "I'd say we were friends anyway but I'm not exactly sure how much further than friends we are."

"What would you like us to be?" she asks hesitantly, not really looking at me.

"I don't know, like I love hanging out with you and stuff but I don't think we're ready to live together yet. I don't think it'd be wise of me to move back in yet but I do think we're doing really well so maybe you could say we're girlfriends" I reply. "Technically we're still wives since we never divorced but in a normal world I think we would be girlfriends at this stage."

"Yeah I think I have to agree" Santana nods.

"So we are cool then?" I ask and Santana nods again. "Good."

"Since you said we're girlfriends then that sort of means I should be able to kiss you" Santana smirks while taking another bite of food.

"It certainly does mean that" I smirk back. "Although we don't want to make any other couples here jealous by making out in front of them so let's save it for the car" I say.

"Making out in the car, oh how high school of you" Santana teases.

"Would you like to make out in the street because I'm easy, anywhere I can make out with you is good for me" I tell her.

"I couldn't care less if we ever made out again or not, I'm just so glad you're finally giving me another chance" Santana says genuinely. I can tell she is getting close to shedding a few tears so I reach over the table and take her hand in both of mine.

"Listen to me, it wasn't about chances babe. I just needed time to think and get my head around things" I say. "To be honest I wasn't exactly so innocent in this whole thing either so don't think you were the one who was in the wrong because it was probably both of us" I tell her while squeezing her hand comfortingly.

"Ok" she nods. "I'm so lucky to have you in my life so I really don't want to mess this up. Can we promise to always talk about things when something happens?" she asks.

"Of course but just stop blaming yourself" I say. "Trust me, we both weren't in the correct mind frame so it was learning curve for us so now we'll take that knowledge and move on ok."

"Ok" she smiles slightly. I then bring her hand close to my lips and kiss it. "I don't know if I should say this just now or not but I love you."

"I love you too" I smile.

"Can we just get the check and go now, I feel like I just want to be alone with you just now?" she asks and I nod before hailing the waiter down. Once I pay for the meal we depart the restaurant and head out to Santana's car.

"So what are we doing now?" I ask as we sit in the car.

"Do you remember that quiet spot on the beach I took you to one valentines?" Santana asks.

"Yeah" I reply. "It's really peaceful and beautiful."

"It is which is precisely why I want to take you there again" she tells me before driving off.

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><p>It's been a few weeks since Santana and I had a talk about where we were in the relationship. We've hung out a lot since then and I have to admit I think I was a bit too hasty saying I shouldn't move back in anytime soon. I feel there is nothing more I want right now than to get back to normality and be a wife again who gets to wake up to their beautiful wife every morning and see her every night before bed. I'm done with messing about now and treading lightly, I just really want my old life back and that includes living with Santana and seeing her every day.<p>

"Hey what are you thinking so deeply about?" Santana asks while placing a cup of coffee in front of me and sitting down with hers. We're currently in a café catching up since we haven't seen one another in a few days because we've been so busy at work.

"I was just thinking about us" I say.

"Ok what about us, I thought we were good just now" she replies. "We've been hanging out a lot and we seem to be on the same page with everything so I thought we were doing well" she says while taking a sip of coffee.

"We are doing well, its good things I'm thinking about" I say.

"Ok, cool" she says while taking another sip of warm coffee.

"I think I should move back in Santana" I state and Santana immediately chokes on her coffee.

"I'm sorry, what now" she says while wiping her mouth with a napkin. "I think I may have misheard you."

"I need to move back in with you really soon" I say.

"Oh you need to" she says cocking an eyebrow. "It's not that you just want to, it's that you need to" she states with a slight smirk.

"Well yeah" I state simply. "I am fed up with waiting, I just want my old life back. I think we're in a good enough place right now so we don't need any more therapy before we can move in. I mean we can still go if we want but I think we have sorted what needed sorted before living together" I say.

"Well I'll be happy to have you back anytime" she smiles. "It's getting pretty lonely in that big house myself."

"Ok well how about we finish our coffee and then go back to my parent's house and you can help me pack" I say. "It might take a few trips to move everything but I should be home by tonight."

"Wait…tonight?" Santana questions looking a little shocked.

"Yeah I mean why wait any longer?" I say.

"I suppose" she smiles. "Let's just go now then and take these coffees to go" she says while standing up. Before I know it we're back at my parent's house filling suitcases and boxes with all my stuff. I haven't been living at the house I share with Santana for a few months so over that time I have collected a lot of stuff so it's taking us some time to get everything packed.

"Why don't I just go with these cases right now and you keep packing?" Santana asks. "I mean I'd like to tidy up a little before you come home so you don't think I'm a filthy bitch or something" she jokes.

"Would I ever?" I smile.

"Of course not" she smiles back. "I will take this stuff just now though and make sure everything is in order at home. I'll be back soon" she tells me before kissing my cheek and leaving with the suitcases.

"Do you need some help sweetheart?" my dad asks while walking into my room.

"You could maybe put those folders into my work bag for me" I say.

"Ok sure, I can do that" he says while walking over to the desk I have in my room and picking up the folders. He looks around the room for a few seconds with the folders in his hands.

"It's the black bag, dad" I tell him while laughing. I mentioned early my work bag was the black one but my dad is a lot like me, he chooses what he listens to and what he doesn't, he's got selective hearing I think. I can't really judge though because Santana often says something to me and I probably wouldn't be able to repeat what she said. It's not that I don't want to listen, something just takes my focus away from the conversation, I suppose I'm easily distracted.

"I see" he says while placing the folders in the bag. "Your mom would help but she's cooking some dinner for you girls to take away and reheat later. We figured you'd be unpacking most of the night and would just want to spend your free time with Santana, not standing over a cooker" he tells me.

"Oh she didn't need to do that" I say. I'm grateful for it of course but I don't want my mom thinking she has to.

"You know what she's like, she likes looking after you…well all of us really" he says smiling.

"Yeah she does" I smile. "One thing I'll miss about leaving is mom doing all that stuff for me. I'll need to reacquaint myself with the vacuum and the iron when I get home" I say.

"I'm sure it won't take you too long to get used to things again, you'll fall right back into it in no time" he tells me, I assume he's talking in general and not just about the household chores.

"Yeah I hope so because the last thing I want is for Santana and me to fight on my first night back" I say.

"I'm sure that won't happen but if it did I'm confident you ladies will work things out without a problem" he says and I just have to hug him. No matter what happens my parents are just always there for me and they always believe in me. It's really nice to have such good parents because I know not everyone does so I'm really grateful.

"Thanks dad" I tell him when I pull out of the hug. "I really should finish this packing though, maybe you could fill that suitcase there with any pair of shoes you see in the room" I say and he nods.

* * *

><p>"Finally" I sigh while throwing myself to the couch next to Santana. "It was tough lugging all those cases upstairs by myself but I got through it" I say while resting my head on the back of the sofa and turning it to face Santana.<p>

"If you're looking for help to unpack then you're looking in the wrong direction honey" she tells me. "I wanted us to just chill out in front of the TV with a glass of wine to celebrate you coming home. It was you who wished to unpack" she states.

"Will you help me tomorrow then?" I ask.

"Of course" she smiles while leaning towards me and kissing my lips. "Now I know I said we could drink wine but I do have a bottle of champagne in the cupboard somewhere if you feel like cracking that open with me."

"Are you sure that's wise?" I ask and Santana frown in confusion. "You know what you're like with champagne, you take two sips and suddenly you can't keep your hands off of me" I tell her.

"Don't worry I think I can handle myself tonight" she reassures me.

"Ok if you're sure" I smile.

"I am so I'll be back in a moment with the champagne" Santana says while getting off the couch to go to the kitchen. As soon as she leaves the room, I grab the remote control for the TV and put my feet up on the coffee table in front of me. It feels really good to be back home.

"Here we go" Santana says carrying the bottle of champagne and two glasses. "I'm going to pour us a glass each and then we're going to toast" she says while sitting down.

"Ok so what are we toasting to" I ask when she hands me a glass.

"How about love and happiness?" Santana suggests.

"Sounds good" I say and then we raise our glasses.

"Here's to love and happiness" Santana says and we clink our glasses together. "Oh and to a wonderful long life together" she adds and we clink our glasses together again before taking a sip of the champagne.

"I love you so much" I tell her and she smiles. "No matter what life wants to throw at us, I'll always be here. This is it for me, we're never spitting up ever again" I say.

"I completely agree and of course I love you too" Santana says and then we lean in and kiss passionately on the lips.

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><p><strong>Hope the chapter was ok, let me know what you think. <strong>


	10. Dinner disaster

Thanks for the follows, favs and reviews. Here's the next chapter.

* * *

><p>Chapter 10: dinner disaster<p>

Santana has organised a dinner for us and all of our friends tonight because it's been a while since we all last sat down and had a meal together and just had fun. The last time was probably on vacation but Santana and I weren't in the best of places then so I'm looking forward to tonight, it should be fun. The only problem is that we're working tomorrow so we can't drink or anything. On the upside though, it's at one of my very favourite restaurants so at least I know there will be good food. I've got a sneaky suspicion Santana reserved a table there since she knew I loved the restaurant

"Wow you look amazing right now" I say smiling while taking in the view of my beautiful wife in front of me.

"Don't I always?" she quirks an eyebrow.

"Of course but there's just something even more beautiful about you tonight" I reply. Sometimes I can't believe I am actually married to Santana Lopez. At her high school she was the most popular cheerleader there and she could have had anyone from high school because they all liked her but yet she chose me.

"Well thank you" she smiles. "You look amazing as well" she tells me and for some reason I find myself blushing. I guess it's been a while since I had someone compliment me like this.

"We're both working tomorrow so I doubt it matters who drives" I state. "Do you have any preference?" I ask.

"Not really so either one of us can drive" Santana replies while touching up her makeup in the mirror hanging on the wall.

"How about I just drive then since my keys are there" I say pointing to the small table we have just at the front door where my keys are lying.

"Ok sure, that suits me" she says before kissing my cheek and placing her make up back in her bag. "So are we ready to go then?" she asks.

"Yeah let's go" I say grabbing Santana's hand as we leave the house. I quickly lock the door behind us and then we make our way to the car. "Want to take a bet on who'll be first there?" I ask Santana as I pull out of the drive.

"I'll only do it if there is a prize" she states causing me to laugh. "If I'm right, what do I get?" she asks.

"It's not much of a bet so we'll just say the winner gets a kiss" I reply.

"I'm not playing then" she tells me. "I could get a kiss from you whenever I wanted so it's not a good enough price to entice me to place a bet" she says seriously.

"Babe there is no need take it so seriously, it was a lame bet" I tell her. I only suggested it to pass the time but sometimes Santana takes things too seriously, it's the competitive nature in her I think, as evidenced at bowling the other week. "I'm going with Mercedes and Puck anyway as the first there" I state.

"How about we play for 10 dollars?" Santana asks.

"Fine we can play for 10 dollars" I sigh. "Who do you think then?" I ask.

"I think Mike and Tina will be first there, they're always very punctual" Santana nods. The rest of the journey is filled with a comfortable silence until we reach the restaurant. The gentlewoman that I am, I get out the car and quickly run around to Santana's side of the car and open the door for her.

"Thanks" she smiles stepping out of the car and I close the door behind her. We then make our way inside and the waiter shows us to our table. "Hah-hah, that's 10 dollars Britt" Santana says happily holding her hand out waiting for the money.

"Yeah-yeah" I say reluctantly handing over the 10 dollars.

"Um…why are you paying Santana 10 dollars?" Tina asks.

I'm just about to answer when Santana replies "We just had a small bet going on, nothing exciting" she tells them. "Anyway how are you both?" she asks as we sit down next to each other but across from Mike and Tina.

"Yeah we're fine" Mike replies. "What about you two?"

"Well actually we may as well tell you that…" I can't even finish my sentence.

"Hey guys" Quinn says cheerily walking over to us but instead of smiling at me, she just glares. I just knew she would sit next to Santana. I actually feel bad for my wife because Quinn and I are probably going to be glaring at one another all night so she'll be stuck in the middle. Eventually the others arrive so we all look at the menu for five minutes before ordering.

* * *

><p>"So remind me again why we are all here, meeting for dinner tonight" Puck says chewing on a piece of food. I mean really, does he have to talk with his mouth full all the time. It's really disgusting if I'm honest.<p>

"We're here just catching up, it's been a while since we all sat together and had dinner" Santana replies.

"So there really isn't any other reason then because you're sitting there Brittany as if you have ants in your pants. Is there something we need to know?" Tina asks observing my current state. It's true I am literally about to burst in happiness because I'm so happy Santana and I can act like a normal couple again.

"No there's no…" Santana says but I can't help jumping in.

"I have moved back in" I say excitedly.

"Yep, Britts and I are officially a married couple living together" Santana says just as happy as me.

"Oh that's great news" Mercedes says enthusiastically.

"Yeah I'm so happy for you both, it was about time you two had some happy news" Tina says genuinely happy for us.

"Well I for one think it was a stupid decision, you two can't seriously be back on track" Quinn says giving us her opinion.

"I beg your pardon" I snap.

"Quinn you have to stop this" Santana states. "You can't keep treating Brittany like this."

"You two aren't ready to be back together, it's just going to cause more problems" Quinn says.

"I'm done with this" I mutter to myself but apparently Quinn heard me.

"You're done with it, I don't think that's a great attitude to have considering everything" Quinn states.

"Do you know, my daughter died ten months ago…TEN" I say emphasising the 'ten' part. "That is how long I have been fighting everyone but now I'm done, I'm too tired of it all, I just want to move on" I say shrugging my shoulders.

"Honey…" Santana starts off but I interrupt her.

"No I am done fighting, I don't want to talk about it anymore" I say. Of course I want to remember my daughter but I refuse to talk any longer about who blamed who and who was in the wrong. "Santana and I are finally getting back on track and you have to ruin it Quinn, I'm so sick and tired of your constant input and negative remarks" I sigh. "If everyone wants to have a discussion and constantly reiterate things that are not needed then I'm going home."

"Thanks a lot Quinn, dinner is ruined and Brittany is upset because of you" Tina says glaring at Quinn.

"I didn't want to bring it up but I had to because there are a lot of unresolved issues regarding you Brittany" Quinn states.

"Excuse me!" I gasp. "Unresolved issues, what are you talking about. You really had no business nosing into my life in the first place so there is only issues because you created them" I say angrily.

"Look I just think this whole charade could have been handled better if you didn't…" Quinn starts to talk but is cut off.

"Don't you dare say anything else" Santana warns. "If you ever think of blaming Brittany for any of this then that'll be the last time you ever think anything you got me."

"Santana there is no point making threats when you know I'm right" Quinn states.

"I'm going home before any of this escalates because we're in the middle of a restaurant so it's certainly no place for a fight" I say while standing up. "There is some money to put towards the bill Mercedes" I say handing Mercedes some money for the dinner.

"Brittany hold on I'm coming with you" Santana says while quickly standing up. "Sorry guys about dinner, we'll catch up soon" Santana tells the others.

* * *

><p>"Our daughter died ten months ago and every day of that period I have fought with someone and I don't want to do it anymore" I say close to tears. We're sitting in the living room talking now after coming home from the restaurant.<p>

"Baby I don't want to fight with you and most of our friends don't either" Santana tells me.

"So why does Quinn hate me so much?" I ask. "I know she was one of your best friends back in high school or whatever but sometimes I felt Quinn and I had a better relationship than you two. We used to get on great and it was you and Quinn that would bicker occasionally but ever since we lost Katelyn she's treated me like shit" I state. Even though Santana and Quinn were friends first, you would've thought it was Quinn and I because we got on so great but now she hates me for some reason.

"I honestly don't know, initially I thought she was just worried about me and was afraid I'd relapse or something if we got close again too quickly" she tells me shrugging slightly. She's probably just as confused as me now. "She has to stop this weird behaviour though, it's gone on too long." She's right it has gone on too long and I don't want to seem selfish for saying this but I think Santana should've said something sooner to Quinn. Quinn was supposed to have been there for Santana during the break up so they were obviously close enough to be able to tell each other things.

"I can't and won't ask you to pick Santana but I don't know how much longer I can take this whole Quinn thing. I'm your wife so I'd hope you'd understand my point of view and be willing to acknowledge what Quinn is doing to me" I say.

"Brittany we have been through so much so no matter what I'm always going to pick you. I don't want to lose you" she tells me.

"I don't want you to pick me because you want to be with me and you think you have to since we're married, I want you to pick me because you can see what Quinn is doing is wrong" I say. I know she said a minute or two ago she wants the weird behaviour to stop but I just hope it's not just that and she realises it's tearing me apart the way Quinn says those things to me.

"Yeah I know what she is doing is wrong" Santana nods. "That's why I don't even need to announce that I pick you, I'm always going to be with you anyway. It goes without saying" she tells me and I smile slightly.

"Ok" I nod.

"I love you Brittany so I'm never going to hurt you again, I promise" she kisses me gently on the lips.

"I know" I smile. "Maybe we…" the doorbell rings interrupting me.

"I'll get it you stay here" Santana tells me while rushing to the front door. "What are you all doing here?" I hear Santana ask as she opens the door.

"We want to make sure Brittany is ok" Rachel says slightly pushing Santana out of the way so she could come inside by the sound of things.

"Excuse me I didn't invite any of you in" Santana says but apparently it falls on deaf ears as I hear Rachel, Sam, Mike, Tina, puck, Mercedes and Artie all walk inside. I suppose we shouldn't really object since they are obviously here for me and care about me. "Nah-ah no way" I hear Santana say sternly when Quinn is the last person trying to get in the door. "I don't think so, turn around and go away."

"Come on Santana at least hear me out, you've let everyone else in" Quinn states.

"If you come in here then I want you to apologise to Brittany" she tell her but she just walks past her and into the living room where I am. "QUINN" Santana says more firmly while chasing after her.

"Babe it's ok, we should hear her out" I say wanting to find out why she has treated me like she did.

"Fine" Santana sighs. "The floor is yours Quinn, this better be good" Santana says folding her arms.

"I just think the way Brittany treated you in the past few months is unacceptable and I don't think you should have given in so easily" Quinn states facing Santana's direction since she was talking to her.

"I beg your pardon" Santana says closing her eyes. She does that sometimes to think and to stay calm. "You think Brittany treated me unacceptably?" she asks, her tone slightly angry.

"Yes of course, Brittany is mostly at fault here because…"

"Excuse me" Santana gasps. "You have the audacity to suggest my wife is to blame for all of this, who do you think you are Quinn?" Santana says getting angrier by the minute.

"I'm sorry if you don't like the truth Santana but what I'm saying is true" Quinn replies.

"You have overstepped the mark Quinn by a longshot so if you can't apologise to Brittany for how you treated her then I don't want to know you" Santana states angrily.

"What?" Quinn asks confused.

"As far as I'm concerned you're nothing to me, you mean absolutely nothing" Santana tells her honestly. "I do not want you in my life if you cannot respect my wife or my relationship. I may have left this going on too long but at the end of the day you should know how much you're hurting Brittany. She is supposed to be your friend and you think it's ok to treat her like this?" Santana asks.

"Santana can't you see Brittany caused this?" Quinn asks.

"How dare you say that, Brittany didn't cause any of this?" Santana says almost shouting. "What happened was an unfortunate accident that I then made worse so Brittany did not cause a single bit of pain so don't you ever say that again."

"But…" Quinn tries to protest.

"But nothing Quinn" Santana snaps. "If anyone was to blame for anything then it's me so quit blaming my wife" she snaps again. "You do realise Brittany lost her daughter in all of this right? I not only caused her hurt but she also felt incredibly hurt by the whole situation anyway because she was grieving for her daughter. You have never once thought of how Brittany might have already felt before you started bullying her."

"Eh pot and kettle Santana, you weren't an angel either with the way you treated Brittany" Quinn states.

"Yes I know but now I am handling things and that's the difference. You can't excuse what I did but I actually do feel bad for how I bullied Brittany and what I said to her unlike you. I am making up for how hurtful I was and I actually went to therapy to sort out my issues whereas you, you did nothing to resolve this situation" Santana firmly tells Quinn. "I have tortured myself day and night with how disgusted I was of myself for how I treated Brittany but you walk around here little Miss high and mighty as if you have nothing to be sorry about and that's not ok Quinn, not ok at all."

"But…" Quinn tries to protest again.

"I want you to leave my house Quinn and never come back, I am being serious right now" Santana tells Quinn and when she doesn't move, Santana proceeds to push her out of the door. After a while everyone else eventually leaves and goes home. It's now only Santana and I left in the living room.

"I feel bad that dinner was ruined" I say quietly breaking the silence.

"Hey it's not your fault, its Quinn's fault. She is the one that caused all of this" Santana tells me taking my hand in hers. "Hey what do you say we go upstairs and just watch a movie or relax or something" she suggests.

"Ok sure" I nod before we head on upstairs. We then get settled in bed with a movie.

We must be half way through the movie now but I'm not entirely sure because all I can focus on is Santana kissing me. I don't know when it started or how it started but she's definitely straddling my hips and kissing me. It's been so long since we did this and I'm loving every second of her lips on mine. I know there is more to be excited about than just kissing but with the year we've had this is definitely something good.

"We need to remove these clothes" Santana states while moving to kiss my neck and start to gently move her hands down my body.

"Ok" I nod while flipping us over.

* * *

><p>"It happens to a lot of people" Santana softly tells me while smiling sympathetically at me.<p>

"Well it never happens to me" I state while standing up and going over to the mirror. I start to brush my hair and put some moisturiser on my face.

"Britt don't be…"

"I just want to go to sleep now" I say getting back into bed.

"Babe" Santana says placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. "You know this doesn't…" I interrupt her.

"I just don't want to talk about it right now" I say while turning to lie facing the other direction.

"Ok that's cool, night babe" Santana says kissing my shoulder.

"Yeah…night" I say before closing my eyes. This has got to be one of the most humiliating moments ever.

* * *

><p>It's the next day and I am walking through the front door after a hard day at work. To say I didn't think about last night at all would be a lie. I just feel so bad for the way I overreacted and how cold I was to Santana. It's definitely not her fault, it's just so embarrassing because it was our first time together in ages so it was meant to be special.<p>

"Hey, how are you?" Santana asks when I walk into the kitchen. She was home earlier than I was tonight since I stayed on to do some extra tutoring with one of my classes.

"Yeah I'm fine, you?" I ask smiling slightly.

"I'm good" Santana replies returning the smile. "Dinner should be ready in ten minutes" she tells me causing me to raise an eyebrow in surprise.

"You cooked, really?" I enquire. No disrespect to Santana but I think I mentioned before how she really cannot cook.

"Ok fine, the pizza will be delivered in ten minutes or so" she says chuckling slightly. "In my defence I did buy ready meals to heat up when you got home but as soon as I looked at the packing I got put off so decided just to order pizza" she tells me.

"What put you off?" I ask with a slight smirk on my face at how adorable the situation sounds. I can just image Santana looking at the instructions and getting frustrated.

"I don't know, they just seemed a little depressing. They had 'meal for one' written across them and it reminded me of when I did eat alone during our time apart. I ended up just putting them in the trash because I wanted to get rid of anything negative or depressing since this is like a fresh start for us" she tells me.

"Ok fair enough, so what kind of pizza are we getting?" I ask.

"It's a surprise but I'm sure you'll like it" she smiles.

"Cool, I will quickly freshen up and change before dinner then" I say before running upstairs to our room. As soon as I am ready I go back downstairs and wait in the kitchen with Santana until the pizza comes. Once it does finally arrive we sit down at the table and begin eating. "Hey can I just say something?"

"Sure" Santana nods swallowing the piece of food in her mouth.

"I'm sorry for overreacting last night, I guess I was just annoyed. It was finally the perfect time for us and then that happens" I say. "It's also sorta embarrassing because it's never happened to me before…like ever."

"I know but records are meant to be broken right" she says trying to lighten the mood but it doesn't work. "Ok sorry, that wasn't funny."

"The last time we had sex you were pregnant" I sigh.

"I know" she nods. "Were you thinking back to that and then it made you think of Katelyn? Is that what happened babe, you got scared to really let go and relax because you think I might go back to that place?" she asks.

"Look it's not that I don't trust you or anything. I mean I know therapy did wonders for both of us, I just thought back to some things and it made me nervous. It's just been so long Santana and just knowing the last time we did it you were pregnant made it even more nerve racking. I mean it reminded me of Katelyn then I thought back to how she is no longer here which led me to thinking of why she wasn't here so then the mood was totally ruined" I tell her honestly.

"Look its ok, don't be embarrassed. I completely understand how it happened but next time let's not expect too much. I'm happy with just some heavy making out for the first few times to get us reacquainted so to speak and to relax and maybe one night it'll just happen" she tells me while giving me a soft smile.

"I still find you insanely hot though, it's not that I don't want to have sex with you, I just think my mind needs time to catch up and tell my body it's ok to feel turned on or whatever" I tell her.

"That's cool" she smiles and we go back to eating. After a few minutes of silence Santana breaks it.

"Can I ask a question?" Santana asks nervously so I nod. "Did you ever…like do stuff…when we were apart?" she asks while looking down as if she's embarrassed about asking but feels she has to.

"Do stuff?" I query. "What do you mean?"

"Like sexually" she asks.

"Oh right" I say a little taken aback. "Um…yeah I did actually" I reply.

"Oh…" Santana says a little shocked. "Who was she…in fact don't answer that, I don't need to know" she starts shaking her head in disgust.

"There wasn't anyone else" I tell her smiling. "I meant I did stuff but not with anyone" I tell her and a smile instantly graces her lips.

"What do you mean?" Santana asks confused before quickly realising, "oh…OH!"

"Didn't you?" I query, feeling slightly embarrassed I'm the only one because I don't think Santana did that judging by her face.

"No. I was never in that sort of mood" she tells me.

"I didn't do it when we were together or anything, it was when we were broken up" I tell her. Santana made this rule once that we're only ever allowed to make each other cum. She can be very possessive in bed sometimes which is super sexy so I really didn't mind that she always made sure I was aware she was the only person to make me feel good. "I figured once we broke up then the rule didn't apply anymore plus there were a few times I just couldn't help it, I was really sexually frustrated" I say.

"Whoa…this is making me slightly hot picturing you like that" she replies while fanning herself with the magazine from the counter.

"It's making you hot?" I ask with a slight smirk.

"Yeah" she smirks. "I can just imagine you lying in bed with your hair messily covering the pillows and your eyes would be filled with so much want. And let's not even get started on your sexy naked body or the way it shivers when you come down from your high."

"Oh right" I say smiling. "It was you, you know" I state.

"Huh?"

"It was you I would picture when I did it. I would pretend it was your hand and not mine" I tell her.

"Oh…wow" she says a mix between shocked and turned on. "You still thought of me like that, even after everything I did to you, how hurtful I was?" she asks.

"Well…yeah" I state. "I mean you're my wife and I still find you incredibly sexy."

"So how come that happened last night if it wasn't the first time you did something? Like I mean how could you think of me and managed to cum but yet last night you couldn't even…" I stop her midsentence because it gives me the creeps to think I can't perform for my wife.

"Last night was different because you were actually there and we were going to actually have sex whereas the times before it was just a quick hand job or whatever on my own. I kept thinking back to the moment we last had sex and like I say you were pregnant. I remember every so often I'd caress your baby bump or kiss your stomach gently so when I remembered that last night it brought back memories of how Katelyn isn't here" I tell her and she nods.

"Ok I understand" she says. "It was more the unhappy thought of losing your daughter that put you off rather than the thought of the issues we had?" she asks to clarify.

"Exactly, I know we're good now so it's not a case of being worried to reconnect like that again. It was just simply a case of how Katelyn suddenly pooped into my head so there was no way I could think of anything else when I was thinking of my daughter" I tell her.

"Well like I say, it's no big deal. You shouldn't worry about it" Santana says.

"But what if it happens again, what if I have a problem?" I ask, slightly panicked it could happen again.

"I thought you just said it was because you were thinking about something?" Santana asks.

"I did" I reply.

"So what makes you think it could be a problem if you know it was just because your head was elsewhere?" she asks.

"I don't know, I'm just worried ok" I state. Santana then leans over the table and takes my hand.

"Babe it won't be anything to worry about, I guarantee it" she tells me while kissing my hand. "Let's be real, it's hardly likely you'd have problems because we've always been attracted to each other. I honestly believe it was just a one-time thing, you just have to be positive and not worry" she tells me. I know I'm acting stupid and it happens to a lot of people but it never happens to me. In all the years Santana and I have been together we've never had issues of that sort, obviously we've had a lot of issues but never once were they about sex.

"Yeah you're right" I nod. "We should really clear up now, I've got some papers to mark tonight" I tell her. My students in one of my senior classes had a test today so I want to mark the papers as soon as possible and it leaves my weekend free to spend with Santana. I've decided from now on I will do all my work during the week so I can devote the whole weekend to Santana since she's off every weekend too. I know our issues weren't about spending time together but it won't hurt to make quality time together at the weekend.

"Yeah we should, I have some work stuff to do as well" Santana replies.


	11. Back on track

Chapter 11: Back on track

I'm not entirely sure how things started but Santana is definitely straddling my lap right now and we're making out. It's like one minute we're watching TV on the sofa in the living room with my arm wrapped around Santana and her head rested on my shoulder. Then the next thing I know is that Santana is grinding into me while passionately kissing me. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not complaining, I'm just concerned about what happened last week and how it might happen again. I mean who can't get hard for their wife especially when their wife is Santana Lopez? It's obviously my problem like psychologically or something because having your wife grinding on you isn't the most horrible thing on the planet.

"Baby I told you…" Santana says smiling as she pulls away from my lips. "This doesn't have to always lead to sex so stop overthinking things and just enjoy what we're doing right now" she tells me. She clearly realised my head seemed to be all over the place.

"Sorry, I'm just a bit apprehensive" I say embarrassed. "If my mind can drift elsewhere one time then why not all the time" I state.

"That's what happens all the time babe, you're mind drifts to other things when you have sex" she tells me.

"Yes I know but it never usually becomes a problem so that scares me. I don't want to make a fool of myself again when I can't get hard for you" I say.

"Listen to me…" Santana says while gently caressing my cheek. "Nothing in this world should make you feel embarrassed around me. The last time we both had sex was with each other so maybe I'm just as nervous as you" she smiles.

"I'm not nervous about sex, I'm nervous that I can't get it up you know" I shrug.

"But you just have to think positive and tell yourself it was a minor incident that isn't going to change anything. Just say to yourself you weren't fully ready then and it was a lesson that not everything happens the way you want so now you know that you can move on" Santana says. I suppose she means now it's happened then I know nothing worse can happen, that's as bad as it gets so just put it to the back of my mind because in reality not getting hard once in your life isn't the end of the world.

"You're right, I mean we've been through enough to know something like that shouldn't change anything. I'm just being silly now and taking things for granted. I'd rather that happened the other night than for us to go through heartache again like we just have" I say.

"Exactly, doesn't it give you confidence that if we can survive a torturous year like that then we can get over something so trivial?" she asks.

"Do you know what Santana Lopez? You might just have cured my erectile dysfunction" I say jokingly.

"Ok let's not go that far, it wasn't ED. It was minor blip ok" she smiles.

"I know, I mean as if I'd get ED. That's like so stupid" I say jokingly but it sounds more arrogant.

"Ok let's just see if your other head can get as big as that one that protects your brain" she says laughing.

"You know it's not actually the…" I start off before Santana abruptly cuts me off by kissing me.

"Leave the biology lessons for the students please, I don't need one" she tells me.

"Sorry" I say before leaning back on the couch and pulling Santana with me and kissing her. I can't believe I was worried about something so silly a few moments ago. Santana is so right, nothing can compare to the year we've had so who gives a shit that I had a slight problem the other night, we just need to move on from everything and don't take things too seriously because you just end up in a bad place if you do. I just want to enjoy my night with Santana because life is too short to be worried all the time.

After a few gentle kisses, I feel Santana begin to kiss me more passionately before slipping her tongue in my mouth. I can't help but moan at the feeling. "Do you want to take this upstairs before it gets too heated and we can barely move and end up with crooked necks because of this couch?" Santana asks while pulling away from me slightly.

"Yeah, let's go" I say jumping up and grabbing Santana's hand before we rush upstairs. "Wait is the front door looked?" I ask suddenly remembering that we shouldn't be upstairs all night with an unlocked door where anyone could walk in and steal something.

"I think so but who cares" Santana says tugging on my arm trying to pull me into the bedroom.

"Ah what the hell" I say letting her pull me into the bedroom while slamming the bedroom door shut. As soon as we reach the bed Santana pushes me down on it and straddles my lap. She doesn't waste much time diving in and kissing me before pulling on my shirt so I will sit up and she can remove it. "Maybe we should just get rid of all our clothes right now, I don't suppose we want to waste time in taking every single item off individually" I say noticing how turned on Santana is getting.

"Good idea" she says while getting off the bed and removing all of her clothes in record time before helping me get the remaining clothes I'm wearing off. "That's better" she smiles before straddling me for the countless time tonight. Seriously it never gets boring having Santana astride you.

* * *

><p>"I think we can officially say you will no longer have problems performing" Santana says smiling while laying on her side to face me.<p>

"I think you're right" I say smiling back before raising my hand in the air and Santana high fives it.

"We're such dorks sometimes" she says laughing.

"We are but who cares" I shrug smiling. There is no way this smile is leaving my face for a long time. "Do you know all we need now is a few petty little arguments like who gets to shower first or whatever and we'll be right back to how we used to be" I say.

"True" she nods. "But I'd like to think we've matured now and realised arguing over stupid things is really not needed all the time and so not worth it" she tells me.

"Yes but how are we supposed to have awesome make up sex if we have nothing to make up for?" I state.

"There's a good point" she raises an eyebrow. "I think I better go and make a mess of the bathroom" she says while quickly jumping out of bed and running to the en suite. She knows how much I detest it when she leaves towels and hair products and dirty underwear all over the floor.

"Can you not do it naked though, that's hardly going to make me angry" I shout through.

"You got it babe" she says before appearing a minute later in her robe. "Is this better?" she asks gesturing to the silk garment she is wearing.

"Not really because I know underneath that thin material it's all you, so naked and sexy" I smirk. I have no idea what happened after that but judging by how breathless I am right now, I think we went for round two and three.

"Let's never go so long without sex again" Santana says breathing heavily. "It's just too good to miss, you know" she says before turning to lie on her side where she rests her head on my shoulder and throws an arm over my waist and gently places her leg over mine. I put my arm around her and gently intertwine my other hand with her hand that rests on my waist. It feels so good just to be wrapped up in Santana right now.

"So tomorrow is Saturday, why don't we go away for the day" I suggest.

"Hmm…I'd rather just stay in all day with you" Santana replies. "We'll have plenty of times to go away for the day, let's just enjoy the simple things right now like a nice quiet Saturday at home" she says. She's kind of right actually, it's nice just being normal again and being happy. It might seem boring to some to stay home and have a casual day but to us it means a lot because it's been a while since everything felt ok.

"Hey why don't we have a barbeque tomorrow and invite the families over, that might be fun" I suggest. "A quiet day just you and I and then at night have everyone over."

"Ok that sounds cool but is it just family or friends too?" she asks.

"I think it should just be family. Let's concentrate on that for the moment" I say and she nods. "Our mom's will be excited to have a good catch up, I don't really think they spoke much when we were apart" I say.

"I think they were too scared in case it looked like they were taking sides" she says and I nod in agreement.

* * *

><p>"Jesus Christ" I say a lot louder than I anticipated while slamming the lid on my Tupperware box. "Sorry" I say embarrassingly to everyone sitting around me in the staff room who are all staring at me. It's Monday and I have just got sat down in the staff room for lunch when I saw something in my lunchbox.<p>

"You ok Brittany?" Mrs Stewart, one of the math teachers asks me.

"I am" I nod. "I just realised I must have used out of date bread to make my sandwiches this morning because there seems to be some green mould on them" I lie. Yeah because I'm really going to tell everyone the truth as to why I reacted the way I did.

"Oh well I made too much pasta for lunch today if you want some" Mrs Stewart offers.

"No I'm fine, but thank you" I smile. "I'm just going to get rid of these in the outside trash, I wouldn't want to leave them inside for them to mould more" I say while standing up.

"But what are you going to eat then?" the math teacher asks.

"I've got an apple in my bag in my classroom, I'll have that" I say before quickly disappearing out of the room. As soon as I get to my classroom I throw the box down on my desk and text Santana right away.

To Santana: I don't care if you're busy right now but I need to speak to you so call me…oh and I love you.

I thought the text seemed a little abrupt so I made sure to put I love you at the end so she knew I wasn't too angry. I don't wait long before I hear my phone ringing and of course it's Santana so I quickly answer.

_"__Hey" I say putting the phone to my ear. _

_"__Hey baby what's up? How's work?" Santana cheerily asks. _

_"__Hmm…let's see…how is work?" I say pondering the thought. "Well I just got sat down in the staff room with my lunch when I opened the box and all but yelled across the room because someone i.e. Yourself, felt it was appropriate to leave a naked picture on top of my sandwiches" I reply. _

_"__Did you like the pic?" she asks and I know by her voice she is smirking right now. "I took it this morning when I came out of the shower using your disposable camera thing that dispenses instant pictures, I thought you'd appreciate it more on paper so to speak than on your phone. Plus I wasn't sure if you actually switched your phone on at work so I thought the printed picture was the best option" she tells me. _

_"__I don't know if I liked the picture because I didn't get a chance to look at it because…" she cuts me off. _

_"__Look at the picture now then" Santana states. _

_"__No I will not" I say slightly angry that she wouldn't let me finish my sentence a second ago. "Santana that wasn't appropriate because I was in a room full of people and I shriek 'Jesus Christ' across the room before slamming the lid on the box. Any one of my colleagues could have seen that or the principal who I don't think would take too kindly to me looking at naked pictures at work" I tell her. _

_"__They're of your wife though, it's not like it's a random girl" Santana says. _

_"__I don't care who it is, the point is the principal could have seen it and then I'd be in trouble" I say. "I really like my job Santana so I don't wish to have a new career if I got fired" I tell her. _

_"__I'm sorry ok" she says genuinely. "It was supposed to be fun, I didn't think anyone would see it" she says. _

_"__It's ok I'm not mad, more just embarrassed. It might have been different had I done it to you because you have your own office whereas I usually eat lunch with the other teachers so anyone could see" I say. _

_"__I know" she sighs. "I guess we're just in a really good place right now that I'm happy and in a joking mood. I realise now though it wasn't appropriate" she says. _

_"__That's ok, I like the idea though of keeping things fun and interesting" I tell her. It's definitely a nice change leaving a picture like that in my lunchbox rather than leaving a note saying 'I won't be home for dinner'. That was the extent of our conversations months ago but now it's nice to joke around or whatever. _

_"__So where are you now?" she asks. _

_"__I'm in my classroom alone eating my mouldy sandwiches" I say jokingly. _

_"__Mouldy sandwiches? Oh god was the bread out of date again" she sighs. "I'm sorry babe, I should have checked the date when I made our lunches this morning."_

_"__No it wasn't out of date, I was making a joke because after I got a fright when I saw the picture everyone started asking if I was ok so I lied and said I got a fright because there was a big bit of mould on my bread" I reply. _

_"__Oh right I see" she says. "Thank goodness because I've already eaten my lunch and I'd hate to eat mouldy bread and then get sick."_

_"__Oh god, is that the time" I say looking at my watch. "Babe I better go but I'll see you at home ok?"_

_"__Yeah, see you at home Britt" she tells me and then we hang up. _

I quickly finish the rest of my lunch and go to put the box away when I notice the picture just sitting there. It'd be sort of rude not to look at it right, I mean Santana went to all that trouble of taking it. I quickly look at the door to make sure no one is going to walk in and then turn the picture over and look at it. Yeah this is like super weird and super creepy staring at my naked wife while I'm at work, this needs to go away right now. I quickly close the box and put it in my bag before washing my hands at one of the sinks we have and then start getting the lesson organised.

* * *

><p>Everything seems to be back on track now and it seems like there isn't anything to be concerned about. I mean work is fine, our families are fine and in general everything just seems a lot happier. We're going out for dinner soon and because it's Saturday we're going to start making every Saturday date night instead of a Friday like it used to be. We wanted to make sure everything felt like a fresh start so Saturday is now our date night.<p>

"Maybe you and I should have a baby" Santana says suddenly as she changes clothes for dinner and my face almost falls in shock. "Maybe that's what we need you know" she tries to reason.

"Santana I really don't think that's what we need right now" I try to tell her.

"No listen Brittany" she says while placing her hand on my arm. "Our relationship fell apart because our baby was taken away from us so maybe the only way to recover is to have a baby" she tells me.

"Do you really believe the only way you can be with me is if we have a baby?" I ask. "I thought we were happy again" I state.

"No I didn't mean it like that" she replies. "I meant maybe the world wants us to have a baby so the universe is making it hard for us to go back to that complete place because they will only allow us to be happy if we have a baby."

"I'm not really following Santana" I say confused. "I thought we were happy" I say again since she didn't really reply the first time.

"We are happy but I do still feel something is missing" she tells me. "Look I think the only way to fully recover our relationship is to fill what's missing. We were so close to having a baby that I think there is no way we could go back to not having a baby in our lives. I know we only saw our daughter for a minute or two but I was pregnant for around 7 months so for over a year now we've had a baby in our lives so I don't think there is any way to go back to where there isn't a baby. Do you understand what I mean?" she asks.

"Sort of, you feel even if we didn't have a baby physically in our lives, we still have constant thoughts or reminders of a baby" I say.

"Yeah I mean I think it will always feel like something is missing from our lives if we don't have children now since we've been teased with the opportunity so to speak since we've had a daughter. Don't get me wrong I will miss her so much and never stop thinking about her but I don't think it means we can't have more children" she tells me.

"Santana I'm not saying we shouldn't have more children in the future, I'm just saying we've just became a couple again. Do you think we're emotionally and physically ready for a baby?" I ask. It's one thing to be happy around each other again and stuff but ready for a baby is a whole other thing.

"Ok yes I went crazy and I was a bitch but I do really think I'm better again" she tells me. "I just feel the longer we wait the more it's not going to happen" she says.

"Santana I want children with you, of course I do so it will happen. I'm just worried we're not ready yet to deal with things. You're only just better so I don't want something to happen and it changes things" I say.

"It will take nine months for the baby to arrive so will it really hurt if we started trying?" she asks hopefully.

"I don't want to doubt you but are you ready or do you feel I don't want this?" I ask.

"No I am ready, I know you want children. I'm not trying to sound desperate but I just don't see why we're waiting" she says.

"Can we at least wait a month or so until we're definitely sure everything is going fine?" I ask.

"Fine but do you promise if we're still really happy in a month then we'll get pregnant" she asks.

"I promise that if everything goes smoothly for the next month or so then we can start trying" I tell her.

"Ok, thank you" she says while pecking me on the lips.

"Why didn't you tell me something felt missing?" I ask. "We're supposed to be opening up more to one another" I say worried she is hiding things from me.

"It's not like I'm unhappy as such, I just really think this could be the final thing to make us complete. It's not that I long every day and get upset, I just really think having a baby could be good for us" she tells me. "If we're really not meant to be parents then I'll handle that, I can be happy with just us. I just thought what's the point in waiting?"

"Ok so I've got nothing to worry about, you are happy?" I ask.

"Yes I am happy, of course I'm happy" she smiles kissing me. "I just always wanted a family with you, you know" she shrugs.

"I know and we'll get there, don't you worry" I reassure her. "But we have to be careful and do things right, we can't not be ready ok" I say.

"Yes I know and I'm happy to wait a month" she nods.

"Good, now let's go on that date" I say while finishing to get ready.

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you liked the chapter. Let me know what you think?<strong>


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